It's almost 10:15 and while I did spend a little time checking monster and all the other pointless job looking up places, I'm still sitting here, looking blankly at my computer screen, looking up Stephen King's website and the Guns N Roses message board and fun times like that. Why do I do that? Do I think I have any right to just be lazy when I have to find a job before October or I'm totally screwed? Even last time I went through this I was out every day looking for a job, and I haven't done that at all this time.

I'm not really depressed about that, not much anyway. I just wonder where these thoughts come from, this total apatheticness towards my life in general sometimes. My psych also said that what you look like on the outside generally reflects what you feel like on the inside, and if you feel like crap, you're going to look like crap. That totally made sense to me. And it seems like I could do something to fix that, but I don't really know what. Yesterday I ate a whole crapload of really seriously bad food, and I was so guilty the whole time I did it. Like, my inside feels bad because I don't have a job and sometimes I feel rather useless to society, so then I eat Taco Cabana, and then I feel even worse that I ate Taco Cabana, so I keep eating Taco Cabana because I feel so bad.

That makes total sense to me. I really should look into it.

Anyway. I put some banners up in the D-land world. One of them is cool, the other two are really kinda stupid. I just feel like whoring myself out at this time is a good decision, although I just checked on the status of them and even though all 3 of them have run 30 times each, not one single person clicked on them. Maybe I should brush up on my artistic/creative skills.

I did start my novel yesterday, so that's good. The opening 2 paragraphs are some of my finest work ever. Seriously. I would share them with you but since I totally feel that this will be the novel that is going to make me famous, I will pass on that. This is it. The ONE. Ooooh.

I wish I wasn't so jealous of Matt. He really is doing so well with everything right now. He loves his new classes, football season officially starts in 2 days, he has lots of friends and goals and ambitions and a good job and everything like that. I want that, too. But he built it, from the ground up, and sometimes it just seems like I'm really not willing to work that hard. Why do I not possess that particular gene? Everyone else in my family has it.

Also, I have to add that he wrote me a really cute email before he went to bed last night (well, this morning.. he went to bed at 6:30 because he's strange like that) about missing me and thinking about me and not being able to sleep properly because I wasn't there to sleep-talk in my bizarre manner. It made me smile. I miss him lots. Bah.

Anyway. It sounds like I'm the world's most depressed person, so I'm going to shut up and go work out and get some endorphins going up in here. I've started doing the treadmill thing again because my ass has gotten so used to the elliptical. I hate the treadmill. Time goes by so slowly and I just want to claw my eyeballs out. But I want to build some endurance, stop getting short of breath after going up like 3 stairs. And, I want to lose weight. But hey, I have to lay off the Peanut Butter M&Ms if I want to do that, right?

Tomorrow night is the VMA's and I am really looking at my job as recapper in a very serious way. Last year I was just doing it because of my hope that Axl would be there. This year I'm doing it because it gives me a good excuse to order pizza and sit on my ass at home for a couple of hours. Yeah.

Okay. Now I'm really going to shut up.

******

What was Liz doing a year and a day ago?

"I have to share something really strange with yall. This entry is from exactly a year ago:

"I saw a plaid car today. I shit you not. It was a green and blue plaid Grand Am. This confused me and intriuged me. A plaid car? Why? WHY, damnit! I guess they were taking this whole preppy thing seriously."

I saw this exact same car today! It was sooo weird! Maybe that car is always in town and I just happen to see it every year at the same time, but isn't that weird? A plaid car, for fuck's sake!"

also...

"The best part about today? SUMMER IS OVER! Yayyyy! I love the fall semester. It usually means I get to see BB less because a. we live almost an hour away from each other and b. Since I have a class on Friday, I only get to see him Friday Afternoon- Saturday night, because he has his fantasy football thing on Sunday's and that's all he cares about. I might as well say "bye bye!" during football season, but that's okay. I love October - December and I will especially love it this year for obvious reasons. I'll just say this - if I get near the cash that people decided to throw upon me after I graduated from high school, it's going to be a very good Christmas, yes indeed."

Oooh, little did I know the crap throwing festival that was about to begin. It's almost sad how naive I was.

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"Aside from that, I hate all my classes. The only happy time I had today was during earth science. My earth science teacher was talking about how we should put our full names on tests because he has a lot of the same last names with people.. he said, "See, I have two Smiths, two Andersons, and three Cox..." We were all quiet for a minute, and then he said, "Wait, that doesn't sound right," and we all erupted in laughter for about 5 minutes. Fun times, I tell ya."