I think I know the reason that I haven't been writing much lately, and its not pretty.

Now that I have the big stuff that I've wanted for a long time.. now that I "have" Matt "back", now that I have an actual social life, now that I have a somewhat highish paying job... I have to focus on the real issues at hand. The issues that I was avoiding when I got to Austin. The issues that I pushed back way into the dark recesses of my mind because I didn't want to deal with them, and instead figured my problem was just getting a job and getting over Matt.

It's hard to put down on paper (not that this is paper) what those issues are, but a big thing is just taking care of myself. Taking my pills, eating the right stuff, cleaning my apartment and my car.. why don't I do those things? Why do I not respect myself? And I know all of you are going to yell at me for this, and I deserve it - why did I eat a shit ton of food last night, look down to see the remnants of what I ate (leftover pizza, some french bread, popcorn, chips and salsa, a Hershey's bar), felt like a cheap food ho, and then totally buliema'd myself out like a total loser? I did that. I threw up what I ate last night, and I haven't done that for a year. That's not me. That's not what I do.

I have to focus on the real issues, and thats scary, and I like to avoid that as much as possible. I'm running out of superficial issues to complain about. I can't even really complain about money anymore because I have it. I have to look inside myself and ask myself the hard questions if I'm ever going to get out of this funk I've been in for so long. I know it, Matt knows it, my whole family knows it.

Anyway. I have to leave for work in 7 minutes and I'm still nekkid. That's not a good thing.