I'm in a holding pattern right now, and I expect to stay this way for a long time. A loonngg time. I haven't cried since lunch! Hey, that's progress.

The deal is, all our cards are on the table now. I know these simple facts about Matt: He wants me to get my shit together, to show that I have what it takes to mature. He wants to explore this other relationship because he feels like he owes it to her and himself. He loves me, and he's optimistic about the future with me, but the present is not about us as an entity, it's about us as two seperate people trying to learn about life without the aid of each other.

And he knows these simple facts about me: I am loveable, I am hot, I am sexy, I would do anything for him, and I'm here if he needs/wants me. I'd say the odds are more in his favor right now, how about you?

So that's how it is right now. I need to continue to be hardcore during Hardcore March. This is about me, this is not about me with him. I'm not with him.

What I need is a fling. A hot and dirty fling with some guy that I meet at a bar. We'll have a 4 month courtship, and it'll be a really hot courtship, with lots of fun and dirty sex and all kinds of things. And then I'll return to Dallas knowing that I can be hot and dirty with others.

I'm so confused right now. I don't know what is going to happen.. I don't know why I should even move back to Dallas. My family is there, my puppy is there, but maybe I should stay here. And this job.. it's a fine job, but I really have nothing to do during the day. At least at my newspaper job I didn't sit there and stare at the clock all day. I was always busy, always doing stuff, interviewing people, wooeee. But I do nothing. And it's frustrating.. I could be using the actual skills I do have in some job that could actually benefit from me. I don't feel like I'm needed at all at this job, I seriously don't.

When am I going to figure it all out?

Tonight I'm going to make cookies. I'm going to feel sorry for myself. I'm not going to work out. And tomorrow, I'll get up and make the most out of my life, without Matt. Because I am without him. I have him as a friend, and that's all. That's it. And I have to deal with it.. it's so time to do that. It's way past time to do that. I've been putting off really getting over him because it's just so hard, but I have to do it.

I just have to do it.