Just when I think that I can have some shred of happiness, something happens and it dissapears. Last week I was resigned to being happy without Matt, just talking to him every couple of days or so about unimportant things. And then on Saturday he breaks out with the whole "I just got dumped and I want to talk about getting back together" shit and I get turned into this crying sack of crap that would do anything for this man, even though it's clear he wouldn't do the same.

Chris tells me, "If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you." It's so simple, yet it hurts so bad. He's going to Mardi Gras without me for the first time in 4 years, even though I offered to go with him, even though I offered to drive and to pay for half. I guess I don't blame him. But it still hurts so desperately bad. His reason is that he doesn't want me to rearrange my life around him anymore, which is honorable I suppose. But it hurts.. soo.. fucking.. bad.

I'm trying to be appear happy for him, I'm trying to make it seem like it's not a big deal, because if I don't, he'll be sad on this trip. He at least deserves to be happy about it, even if I can't be. My mom is coming this weekend, I'll be okay..

Today will suck. It'll suck a lot. He won't be online, he'll be driving to Baton Rouge, where I'd kill to be. I have nothing else to do but sit here.. I'm going to see Gangs of New York around 5, but until then I have 5 hours to sit here and think about not being with him, and it drives me crazy. A slow, intense, painful kind of crazy.

I'm so tired of this.. it's been 4 months, and I'm not any closer to getting over it. Yesterday I had the kind of crying fit that I had on the day before Christmas Eve, the day I found out he had a girlfriend. A few things have changed since then, but not really.. I'm still no closer to finding my sanity and I'm still no closer to being fine without him. I mean, seriously.. this was like.. heartbreaking.. it hurts so fucking bad and there's no one I can talk to, no one who's going to hug me and tell me it's going to be okay.. because I have no friends and I live 200 miles away from everything I know.

So March.. March is going to be hardcore March. I'm going to turn things around for myself. It's going to be different this time. I was going to not talk to Matt, but I sorta changed my mind about that. I don't know.

But I'm going to stick to my diet, I'm going to search for jobs everyday, all day. At night I'm going to write at least 500 words a day of my novel, even if it's crappy words. I'm going to call my church people and make them my friends whether they like it or not. I'm going to be anti-me, the me that I want to be in March. I'm going to turn this around.. I'm not going to let myself cry anymore. He doesn't want to be with me right now, and I just have to deal with it.

I just get so dissapointed so entirely too easy. I got my hopes up that he would come here, and then I got my hopes up that I could go to New Orleans and transform our relationship. I know it would have been bad.. first of all I'd have to drive 3 hours to Dallas and then another 5 hours to Louisiana, but I would have done that. I would do anything for this man, anything he asks me to do, and I just wish he'd ask me to do this.

I'm so tired of being this way.. I hate it. I love him so much more than I love myself.. I love the highs, the way he makes me feel special.. but it just wasn't meant to be right now.

I need to find something to do today so I don't freak out all day.

I am such a mess.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"My bra doesn't fit right. Nothing fits right anymore.. I know if I'd skip the McDonalds bagel every now and then, things would fit alot better. But the temptation is too great. I am forever destined to be a big fat ho. Anyway, I need some new jeans and new shirts and it sucks to be fat. I'm a 120 pound chick in a big fat girl's body. I look at myself in the mirror and still see myself as a 16 year old, not the fat chick I am."