I wrote that story in the previous entry last night at Barnes and Noble. I took the hint from my 6th grade teacher who made us (and I say "made", but I totally loved it.. I think I was the only one in the class who loved it so much) do fluency writing. She gave us a topic and like.. 5 minutes to write whatever came out of our brains. So I did that. I didn't let my brain shut me down. However, the gentlemen sitting across from me was another challenge.

Barnes and Noble is a popular place and there wasn't enough tables and chairs and such for everyone, so this dude asks if he could sit at my table. I'm all like, "okay, sure." But I'm "okay, sure," in the most bitchy way possible because I'm pissed off at life in general.

But then I decide it would be a good thing to start up a conversation with this gentlemen, because that's what normal people do, right? So I did. We had a nice little chat. We didn't talk about much, but for some reason, after knowing me for a total of like 10 minutes, this guy is all, "I'm 24 years old, I'm looking for THE GIRL! I'm tired of dating, I just want to settle down!" I'm all like, "I hear ya, mister."

He was cute. But I have my own issues right now. Of course, if I were a more assertive kinda gal, I would have given him my number or something and we could do something about his girl problem. But that didn't happen. And now he's just the boy I met at Barnes and Noble.

I just thought I'd share that.

I'm getting so frustrated with the Matt situation. I don't know what to do anymore. We haven't talked since Saturday. Should I just shut up and talk to him, or should I keep playing this game of ignoring him? I don't understand.. my feelings are so hurt from his behavior and I want him to know that, but he won't listen to me. Does he even want to be in my life anymore? Does he care about me AT FUCKING ALL?

It pisses me off so much. Random boys at Barnes and Noble care about talking to me, but people that have been in my life for 6 years, who I've practically shared every single intimate detail of my life with, couldn't care less. It hurts. It hurts so bad.

I just sent him this really hostile email.

And, oh great.. now I'm crying again. It's 9:15 on a Tuesday and I'm crying just like it's fucking 8 months ago all over again. I thought I had moved on.. I thought I had grown.. I thought I had made it through this. And to see myself crying like this right now breaks my heart.

It hurts so bad.. I just don't understand how he can turn his back on me like this. He hasn't even asked how I am or anything.

So this is what a breakdown feels like.. I haven't had one since April. It sucks.

If the pills can take these things away.. I want those pills. I want to get better. I can't stand this feeling. This total feeling of lonlieness and regret and sadness.

Everything in our relationship was fine. He was calling me all the time, sending me cute messages, caring about me, giving a FUCK about me. And now all of a sudden, he doesn't even care anymore. Why? I don't understand... it just hurts too much.

I feel so helpless.