I don't know what my problem is today, but around 10:30 or so I just got really sad. Maybe it was the guy I talked to who's car caught on fire when he was on vacation and it got picked up by the Dallas Fire Department. I've had a car catch on fire and the Dallas Fire Department had to deal with it, I'm aware of how not fun this is. He had his 5 kids with him AND he was looking for a job in New Orleans, where he was going on vacation. That was not cool.

I don't know. I couldn't make anyone happy today. And I still feel like I'm wearing my headphones. My ears feel funny. And even the dumb chick that I managed to get 25% off her stupid price for her stupid muffler was still pissed off that we couldn't help her more. Why can't people be nicer? Why can't they not be money grubbing whores?

And I dunno.. I just feel so empty today. I miss Matt so much, and the knowledge that we won't ever get to spend more than 2 days together for the next 6 1/2 months.. it hurts. It sucks so entirely much. And I know I should just be happy that we're even "back together", but that's just not enough. I want him, completely. And I want to leave Austin and be able to go home to him every night and be all snuggleiscious. But he's not promising that will even ever happen.

My period is over, so I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. I've been doing good for so long.. I had a good weekend. I wanted to hang out by myself the whole time, but I managed to be somewhat social and get out of my little cave. I'm doing a lot better at work... for the whole duration of the morning, I only had to get help once. That's good.. it's progress, at least.

I know it can't be totally Matt related. Of course it does relate to him, alot. But I don't really like my job, I don't really have any best friends in Austin that I can just call up and laugh with. I hate my car. I never have enough money. I wish I had something more to fulfill me.. like a class or something. But classes cost money. And I never seem to have enough of that.

I've been taking a lot of naps lately. For some reason I don't feel like I'm getting enough sleep. It's not fun.

Obviously I'm not feeling the way I did back then. I have come far since that crappy day in April. I have a job, I feel better about myself, Matt, blah blah blah. But I still have those empty feelings inside of me. I want more.. I want something more to hold on to, to be proud of. I can't stand this feeling of emptiness. I can't stand feeling like I so desperately want to go back to Dallas, because I'm here for 6 more months and there's nothing I can really do about that.

I know, woe is me. I have money right now from my check, I'm going to be able to snuggle with my snookums in 4 days, I have a working car, my hair is mahogany, and I have the Robin Hood DVD waiting for me. Things don't suck that much. But it's just so empty.. and I hate it.. and I want to fill it but I just don't know with what. Sometimes I wish I could just find me a nice Austin boy to settle down with, someone to cook me dinner on Monday nights, someone to hold me and tell me it's okay when I'm like this. I literally started crying before I even left work today. I'm a mess.

But I know I won't do that. Because I am in love with someone who I have complete and total blind faith in. Until he really screws me over again, I'm just not going to do anything. I'm going to enjoy the fact that he called me last night, told me he missed me and he was thinking about me and he couldn't wait to see me on Friday.

I'm going to call my mommy now.. she always helps a girl feel better.

That is all. Check what I was doing 2 years ago for some fun ironic good times.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"BB got it right when he said he didn't like it because he couldn't sympathize with the characters. I mean, Tom Hanks is a hitman. He kills people for a living. Real people, people with wives and kids and dogs. And then he's shocked and expects special treatment like he's friggin God when someone kills his family! What do you expect, buddy? Karma is gonna get you when you fucking kill people for a living.. it's called what comes around goes around! Look it up."

What was Liz doing 2 years ago? (Note: This is 2 years ago. It is not last month. Sometimes it seems like nothing has changed.)

"e did get in the same fight we've been having for almost all 4 years of our relationship. We have the same responses and the same ways of making each other feel bad, and I always end up to be the selfish one who only cares about my feelings.

Which, to be honest, is true. But he lost the right to accuse me of being selfish after he almost dumped me for Ms. Wonderful and Perfect. I wonder what would have happened if he did dump me. What I would have done this summer. If I would have been so successful in school. If I would have worked harder to lose weight and find a job and make friends. Or if I just felt so sorry for mself that I couldn't do anything.

I don't think about it much, because he didn't dump me. So Buh on him."