I also love Matthew, and it's really getting on my nerves. I thought I had at least made a tiny bit, just a shred of progress in the past 5 months, but obviously I haven't if I keep staring at my phone, willing to have yet another innapropriate text message from him, promising me things he never intends on delivering. The last message he sent me was 3 hours ago, and that said "Oh Lizzie what am I going to do with you." I messaged back, "I have a few ideas."

I just want to get back together. I mean, really. I make him laugh, I make him horny, I am capable of making him happy.. why isn't that enough? Why didn't he say "I'm doing stuff tomorrow, but maybe we could hang out later." Because he is busy tomorrow doing some kind of football thing, but maybe he could make an hour or two for me, maybe he could take time out of his schedule to meet with me, tell me that he's given up on his girlfriend, and that he hopes I will find it in my heart to forgive him? WHY CAN'T THAT HAPPEN?!

I have to stop having these terrible fantasies.. it's not good for anyone. He's obviously perpetuating them with his flirtaciousness, but that doesn't mean he has any intentions of acting on them. This is not healthy.. this is not safe.. it's really retarded. I have to do something. Ignoring him worked for 5 days, and then he distracted me, and now I'm just back to where I started.

*sigh*

I just want to progress. I want to move forward in the break-up process, but I don't want to take the steps to get there. I like how he flirts with me. I like how he makes totally innapropriate sexual references. But I hate that that's how far he's going to take it. I miss him.. I miss him so much. Staring at my phone and constantly checking my email is just not going to help. This is crazy.. this is insane.. and it's really rather pointless in the whole scheme of things.

*****

In other news, I'm really not having good times at the farm this weekend. The new puppy is a cutie, yes he is. He's huge.. he's 5 months old and he's already 70 pounds. He's going to be a biggun.

But other than that.. I'm so bored. It's only 8:50, for fuck's sake.. I'm losing my mind from the boredom up in here. I'm watching Space Cowboys and waiting for SNL to come on and then waiting until I can go to sleep. I'm playing Scrabble for the first time in months.

Today sucked. My dad and Donna were bitching the whole day, and it was so boring and redundant. I grew up in this shit.. it's like my dad is incapable of having a mature relationship that doesn't involve getting pissed off at the most simple of things, inconsequential things, things that don't matter in the long run.

I couldn't stand it.. my mom says that I'm a peace loving Libra, so I tried to get in there and kick some ass. I was all like, "Hello, dad, I'm very dissapointed in how you're acting tonight, you're making me really uncomfortable." It was good times, let me tell ya.

But it's really beautiful out here. Earlier today, it was gray and rainy looking, and there was a breeze, and it was just the most perfect weather ever. Most people like the sun, but me.. the sun just makes me pissed off. I know I'm a weirdo in this regard, but what can ya do sometimes.

There's a big giant storm in Dallas right now.. I'm sorry I'm missing that.

*****

*sigh*

I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. What I should do is have Donna take me back to my car at her house, meet my mom for dinner and go back to Austin. What I want to do is have Donna take me back to my car, meet my mom for lunch, go see a movie or go hang out at a bookstore and wait to see if Matt suddenly wants to see me, and if he doesn't, I'll just spend the night at my mom's anyway.

I don't like that plan that much.. especially the spending the night at my mom's part. I just remember that one Monday 2 weeks ago when I completely fell apart at the seams after coming home from my mom's house. There's just something really depressing about coming home after a long weekend to the boring mundaneness that is my life in general.

But whatever. Someday I'll get out of this rut. Someday I'll have a job and kids and I won't be texting Matt with the message "hubba hubba" for no apparent reason. I am looking forward to that day.

I just want to be happy.