*Does the cool layout dance*

You know what I'm tired of? I'm really tired of getting gas. With these bitch ass prices and everything. And because I've driven about 1500 miles in the past 2 weeks. Driving to Dallas and back twice from Austin will do that to a car. But geez.. I'm becoming broke with all this gas buying up in here, I mean, for the reals.

Also.. what's up with "We're not hiring right now, but you can fill out an application and we'll keep it on file." Ummm.. well, dear, if I wanted a job in 2 years that might be nice, but I'd really like one tomorrow. You know, that whole rent thing and everything.

There's a thunderstorm warning right now and that's pretty much the only thing I'm happy about today. I mean.. I just don't know anymore.

It's not even really Matt right now, even though I know he and his girlfriend are probably back in their blissfully happy period for the time being. It's my lack of a job that's really getting me down. I want to look for a real job in my field, but that takes time, and I don't have a lot of time here. I definitely want to move in August, because Austin just isn't my thing. I thought it would be, but it just isn't.

So I have 4 months here, and I want to accomplish so much in those months, but the bottom line is that I just don't know how. I never had to do this. My dad never made me get a job. He always wanted me to have one, but he never really did anything if I didn't have one. So now I don't know how to look for a job, I have no experience, I'm socially retarded, and I'm depressed. I'm in a funk. And I know I need to say, "Look, it's your life, do you want to die knowing that this is all you accomplished?"

Really.. what if I did die tomorrow? What would I have accomplished? So I maintained a relationship for 5 years.. big deal. It was comfortable. It was easy. It was a routine. We never questioned it until the end, and if we really stopped to question it before, it would have been over much sooner. That's just the truth. (See what I was doing a year ago at the bottom for more on this.)

I just don't know how to get a grip, how to get a handle on this life of mine. I need something to do during the day, something that fulfills me, makes me whole. Today I worked out, then I watched Empire Records on VH1. I've seen that movie 100 times. And then I went out and looked for a job for about an hour. Then I got pissed off and angry at the world in general and I went to see a movie. One that I've already seen, even. Not the best use of my time, but what can you do sometimes.

I'm definitely glad that I'm here. I'm glad that I'm being so humbled, that I'm being brought to my knees. I never knew it was going to be like this.. I never thought it was going to be so hard. The real world is not easy. It's not comfortable. And I should have known that.. I should have prepared myself better. Instead I took 2 week road trips during the summer while everyone else was working and making friends.

I wish I had somebody to rub my back when I get down.. someone to whisper encouragement in my ear before I went to bed. Someone who would call me in the middle of the day just to tell me that I can do this. But I'm on my own out here. And it's so hard. It's so fucking hard.

I'm dreading the weekend because I have nothing to do. I lost the number of the friend that I hung out with a few weeks ago, now I'm not really sure what else I can do. I have no money.. no friends.. I'm just lost. I'm so tired of being lost. I want to make the most out of the time I have here, but I just.don't.know.how.

I'm going to shut up now, because this is all recycled bullshit. But there it is.

Have a good day, D-land. I hope you are a little happier than I am.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago? "5. I compare BB to every single guy on the planet. Everytime this one chick's boyfriend comes to visit her at work, I'm like, "BB would never do that." He wouldn't. He only comes up to the school like once a week and doesn't come near my building. But it would be nice for him to visit every now and then. And he's just different. There's so many reasons that I love him because he's different, and so many reasons why I hate it. It worries me, especially when I think of the future. So many things I wonder about... how will we be able to have a dog if he wouldn't be willing to take him to the vet if the dog got sick? (long story on that one.) There's so many questions I have and it's just poopy sometimes."