I almost feel like I'm on the verge of another breakdown, but I'm not quite there yet. I just feel a little poopy, as I seem to do every morning these days. Even though I'm going home tomorrow I still feel like total shit right now.

It probably has to do with today officially being the 6 month anniversary of Matt needing some space. He sure did take his space, didn't he? Right over to some other chick.

When I first had the idea to come to Austin, I felt like Austin was going to transform me into this carefree liberal happy person, just because I moved here. I had no idea that after 4 months, I would still be like this. I would still be crying when I woke up in the morning. I was determined not to let it happen, in fact. But he came in with his "I'm depressed, let's talk 12 hours a day" thing for 3 weeks, and then I tried to get past that. Then there was the "my girlfriend dumped me, let's talk about getting back together for a whole month and then have you totally freak out and have a total and complete meltdown once me and her get back together" thing.

I didn't count on my emotions. I thought that coming to Austin was the answer to everything, and it might have just made it worse, although that's really not possible, probably.

I have to live with the fact that even though he says it had nothing to do with me, it had a lot to do with me. He gave me so many fucking chances and I screwed them up every single time. Even when he dropped this bomb on me, I believe I could have turned it around. There were a few days in there where I really screwed it up hardcore, and I probably could have avoided all this.

You guys.. I'm seriously worried about the Fall now. I had something to do on Friday night for 5 years, and now I don't. He's not going to want me back.. he has a girlfriend, even if she is a little nutty and undependable. I want to think that I can spend the next 3 months working around the clock on fixing the things that need to be fixed, but there's a lot of things that need to be fixed. Like the job situation.. it's not any better in Dallas. Maybe I could beg my dad for a job at his company, or maybe I could help Donna out until I find a real job. Maybe I'll go to grad school and find a part time job. I don't know, but it seems like a faraway dream that I'll actually get a well paying job that I really want.

What do I want to do? I want to be a writer, but I also want to be an editor. Or an agent. I want to read people's books all day and edit them. I think that is what I want to do with my life right now. Or advertising. Or something. And those positions are probably all filled with people who actually did well in college.

*sigh*

I'm sorry, you guys.. I know you're all tired of the "woe is me" bullshit, and believe me, so am I. But it just seems like nothing is ever going to get better. I want to see Matt this weekend but I doubt he wants to see me at all. He used to write me emails to see if I was doing okay, to give me encouragement. He used to IM me just to tell me that things were going to be okay, and he hasn't done that in weeks. I've driven him away, I've completely blown it. It's all my doing, too. I'm finding it hard to forgive myself for totally fucking up a good thing. It was my fault. It was totally my fault.

I should have been a better girlfriend. I shouldn't have been so selfish, I shouldn't have spent my money on such stupid crap, I should have lost weight when he did, because I can, and I should have. I should have made friends and had other things to do besides go to his house all the time. I should have done all that, and now that I know, I wish I had another chance. But he's given me 1,000 chances, and finally he just got tired of it.

I could give him so many empty promises, but he doesn't want that. He's never wanted that. He's always wanted actions, and I could never give him that. On Monday, during my breakdown, he told me that he strongly believes that if we got back together now, in 2 years we'd still have the same problems, except then it would just be so much more worse. I don't believe that.. I just don't. I believe that since I have been deprived of him, since I have tasted what life is like without him, I will be able to get it back on track with him and myself.

And I do understand.. that's a big risk for him to take. I understand that, I do. But I just wish he would gamble for us. I wish he had enough faith in me to take that gamble.

I also know that he's just one person, and if I just let myself, I could meet a ton of guys that are good in different ways. I just want him. His loving arms, the way he wakes me up in the middle of the night to tell me he loves me, the way he's so generous to other people even though he has that rough exterior.. I remember the very first time we hung out, I thought he was this mean person that never did anything nice. But he held the door open for people, he told them to have a nice day. He wants you to think he's tough, but he's not. He's gentle, and he's kind, and he's what I want. He just doesn't compare to anyone else.

Oh god.. I feel like a breakdown is coming, but I can't let it. It's been 3 days since the last one and I really don't want another one. This is just so hard.. I've never had to go through something so hard in my life. I feel like the fact that he doesn't want me makes me into an inferior person. I feel like if my best friend in the whole world doesn't want me, the person who I shared every single moment of 5 years with.. who will want me? And why would they want me?

"It's Your Love" was on CMT last night. I wrote a whole entry in the spark about it.. I handled it well, but it was still a shock to see. That song used to mean so much to me.. it was such a symbol of our love together, because it was such a shock that he dedicated it to me, and the day that we exchanged "I love yous" for the first time, too.

I know I've progressed some.. I am probably a different person than when I got here the first day, I know that. But it's not enough. I can't put myself through this anymore. I want to prove to him that I can change, and I haven't done that. But I KNOW that I can change. I know I can. It's just so completely devastatingly hard.. bah.

Anyway. I'll shut up now. I'm sorry.. but I have to get this all out. I have to have this forum or else things would be really bad.

Bah.