baby maybe someday
2003-02-10 I'm calm. Really. I guess.

Okay. I'm calm now.

I worked out. 11 minutes on the bike, 38 minutes on the treadmill, which equals 2 miles. I saw Kyle, said hi, said I needed to get some anger out of me. He was like, "Go take your anger out on the treadmills," and I'm like, "Okay, then let's have sex." Not really.

I went shopping. I bought some nice flowers for myself, some waffles, some bread, some turkey, Jane Magazine. I avoided buying Dr. Pepper and Kudos. I bought 2 lottery tickets, both of which lost. I did win $20 on a scratch off on Saturday, so I can't really complain about that.

Before I left, I almost sent Matt the most pathetic email of all time, but I didn't, and I'm happy about that. I'm just going to leave it alone. He's not used to me leaving it alone. My problem is that I can't get a momentum going.. I can't get past the 2nd day of not talking to him, and I have to be able to do that. Today is the 1st day, tomorrow is the 2nd day, and after that I should be okay. Or not. Who knows.

I really want this retail job. I haven't wanted a job this bad since I wanted to work at Express, and I managed to get that job with no references and no experience, so maybe this will work out for me. I need this job. I need to work with girls my age, talking to people all day, working on establishing structure in my life.

And I need a spiritual balance desperately, in the worst of ways. I need a way to feel good about myself, to have something inside of me that keeps me sane, that won't let me have break downs on Monday morning that last for almost 2 hours. I'm sure my neighbors enjoyed that.. I just hope the walls kept some of my misery inside them, and they didn't have to hear it. I think I'm going to email the pastor at my church and ask if there's someone I can talk to, because I really feel like there's not. I feel like I'm intruding on everyone, that everyone thinks I'm a pain in the ass because I should be over it by now.

I can't even talk about it here without some jackass signing the guestbook and making me feel worse. Thanks, Alice. Thanks for bringing me down when I was already going through something bad. I thought Diaryland was meant to bring people together, to get help from those surrounding you. Not for people to kick me when I'm already down. What's the point of that? What's the point of making someone feel worse about life in general? I mean.. fucking A.

Anyway. This is my 3rd and final entry for today. I'm calm. I have nothing else to do today but obsess over jobs and then at 7:30, go to the gym again. When I got to Dallas on Friday I want to be able to at least show my dad something.. that I was able to lose at least a little weight, that I was able to at least get some kind of job.

Bah.

back & forth random
recently...

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004