I'm so tired of that! I'm much more tired of not having a boy that really and truly loves me and appreciates me. I went to Matt's today after work and maybe for an hour, I felt sexy and wanted, but then when I left, I had this feeling of emptyness.. like, I was doing a walk of shame from his house to my car. Why didn't he ask me to go to the football game with him tonight? Why can't I go to Austin with him on his secret shopping journey this weekend? I could help him out, give him directions and crap!

And tonight, the Ryan obsession got really out of hand. I haven't talked to him in 3 years, I haven't seen him for 5 years, and for some reason, I just can't get him out of my head. I went to the mall that will always remind me of him. I played Ultimate Mortal Kombat, which I played quite frequently when I was 15 and in luv. I went the movie theater that will always 100% remind me of him. I just wish I could find him, and I just wish we could finish our unfinished business so I can move on with my life.

I just want a boy that I don't have to be afraid to love, and to be able to show that love, and to have that love retruned. If I have to find that love in a 40-year-old Farm Guy who is a former alcoholic and lives in a trailer and has 3 kids, well, I'm not in a picky place in my life right now.

I'm tired of a lot of shit right now, almost to the point of wanting to turn my life upside down and just change everything. I'm tired of it, and most of all I'm tired of not knowing how to change it.

And I'm REALLY tired of being so freaking broke. I'm tired of working for my dad. I'm tired of being fat and having burrito cravings all the time. I'm tired of long weekends that should be exciting but instead I am just dreading because I have no plans. You know? I'm just tired of everything.

I can't help but think about how different things were in Austin. I miss Austin. Also, I miss having a definite standing date on Friday nights. Being alone on a Friday was basically sacriledge. Now it's pretty much a common occurance.

I'll stop bitching now.

I rented a few episodes of CSI from Season Two, and the best line ever has just occured, the one that sends all the crazy Grissom/Sara people into a frenzy:

Sara: Since when are you so interested in beauty?

Gil: Since I met you.

No explanation, no follow up. Just a random nugget of shippyness. Yummy.

*****

a year ago..

"It's scary. I almost want to be committed. I almost want someone to take a serious look at me and see that there's something really wrong with me. Because all this BULLSHIT I'm learning about in therapy is just making me angry."

3 years...

"Well, to make the long story short (too late!), BB and I start dating, much to the dismay of every single one of my friends. Angie is so mystified and angry about it she stopped talking to me. 4 years later and I still haven't heard from her. There was one Wednesday where no one was talking to me anymore because they thought I was making a stupid decision. That just made the appeal greater."