My psychologist says that this is a sign that the pills are probably working, but I wish the signs would show up in other creepy ways.. like, how about some nausea? Or some good old fashioned diarrehea? Bring on the poo!

But, I think the pills are working in other ways. Like, my nails are growing now. I'm no longer biting them with nervous glee. I'm getting over things faster, but I'm getting out of control more quickly. On Sunday night, Matt alluded to not being able to see me this weekend at all, and said that he "might have an hour or two to spare," but he "doesn't know when that hour or two might be." On my birthday. What a craptastic monkey he is.

This sent me into a great, leaping, crazy bout of freakoutedness. I'm talking punching the walls, throwing my tennis shoes across the room, crying so loud my neighbors come by and ask me what the hell is wrong. If that guy hadn't come by when he did, I don't know what would have happened. I was seriously going through my drawer to find a knife. Not for suicidal purposes, really.. I don't know why I was looking for a knife. But the dude came (and damn, he was all shirtless and hot and shit) and took one look at me and said, "Don't hurt yourself!" I made myself calm down after that. I didn't want to become the freak of my apartments, after all.

Anyway. I got over it quickly. And today wasn't that bad, although it was one of my least favorite days.. a cloudy, thunderstormy day turned into a sunny day. I hate days like that. A lot. But I do feel like the pills are working. Aside from my brief foray into freakdom last night, I've been pretty content about life in general.

I can't sleep. I need a job so bad and I just don't know how to find one. It's making my head explode.

I went on a mission tonight. After I hung out at Barnes and Noble, something that I've been doing every Monday night for a while, I got in the car, turned on Loveline, and went hunting for a recycling bin. I have tons of newspapers and resumes and cover letters that are polluting my car, and I would feel guilty throwing them all away. So after just about 15 minutes of searching, I found one at a junior high school. I felt all spiritually cleansed after I got to recycle. Good times!

I think I'm going to try giving sleep another shot right now. That would be good. Yep.

*****

a year ago...

"I seriously think the Supreme Court rocks. We're learning about it right now in my journalism class, and I just really think they rock. They are the last word in justice, and they usually make really good decisions on these things. They can't be bribed, they aren't worried about having to run for an election or anything, so they can just tell it like it is. I wanted to take a class about this, but it always fills up too fast! Anyway.. yay Supreme Court. "

2 years ago...

"So, when I was driving home from Dallas today, I thought to myself, "Hmmm, it's Sunday, what better day to buy some porn?" So I headed to the nearest place, 15 minutes from my school, to get some stuff.

Well, this highway that I was traveling on was the route for all the happy Oklahoma Sooner fans to get home, and I think I might have been the only Texan on the road today. When I arrived at the porn store, there was a nice banner greeting people who had come there from the state fair.

I know, after a long day of eating corny dogs and riding the ferris wheel, that all I want to do is go get "Where the Boys Aren't, #37."

Anyway, so the parking lot is practically full. And I noticed that the majority of the perverts there were from Oklahoma. Just something I noticed. And then I went inside.

Also, the radio was playing coverage of the war we now have going on. I just thought that was funny. Shop for porn and get your news at the same time."