baby maybe someday
October 26, 2003 Issues, yes, I have them.

Please excuse my template hysteria. I've pretty much had it for the time being. Weird things are happening within the confines of my diary, so if you spot any weirdness, let me know, and I probably won't be able to do anything about it, and whine to someone else. That's usually how things get done around here.

Anyway. In other news, today was such a beautiful day that I don't even really know the words to describe such a beautiful day. I know, I'm a writer, and I should be able to describe such things. But I am words deficient when it comes to the beauty of this day.

Mother Nature finally realized it was almost November and brought some colder weather our way. On Thursday it was probably 95 degrees. Today? 51 degrees, rain, dark skies, ooohh yes. If I were male, I would have had a permanent erection all day. I loved it so much.

I went for a lazy Sunday afternoon drive and just kinda drove around with my tongue hanging out in awe. Austin is just so beautiful, especially today with all the fall foliage action up in there. That is something I'm definitely going to miss. Dallas has its moments, but really, it's definitely not beautiful.

How many more times can I say "beautiful" in one entry?

There was one point today when I was on top of Mt. Bonnell, looking out at the lake and the big houses and the gray sky, and I was almost vaclempt with happiness. I don't know.. it just seemed like everything was all happy and good. This job is good for me. The Matt situation is getting more interesting. I was vaclempt.

But then I went to work and found out I get to work on Halloween night. And then I talked to Matt later and found that we probably won't get together this week. Obviously, it's hard to get together during the week when he's 200 miles away and he has school and football and I have to work. I know that. But I dunno.. the way he was talking last night it seemed like we were going to see each other this week. And I felt a little too dissapointed in the fact that we aren't. I almost feel like I'm going to dread this next week because I don't really have much to look forward to now, not even Halloween. But that's whiny, so I'll shut up about it.

But other than that, things are going well with us. It's kind of exciting again. It's that feeling of the unknown, of how things are going to work out. It's almost like the feeling I had when we first got together, but 6 years more intense. I know it's crazy to feel that way and if I want to continue on the pattern of contentment I'm on, I really should get over that whole thing before I get myself into trouble - AGAIN. But it's just kinda of a rush to think about all that could happen with us in the next year or two.

He's just being really attentive again. For 2 months he kinda drifted away, but I guess now that he sees I'm making progress or whatver, he's drifting back. Which is kinda bullshit when you think about it, but I also understand it in a weird way. The point is - it's exciting. He's initating conversations, being really flirty, taking an interest in my life.. it's just really cool.

My brother came back from a 2 week trip to South Africa today. We hung out, went to Taco Cabana, went to his ex-boyfriend's house to collect his puppy doggy Dylan. I'm so glad Dylan is home. I missed my big golden retreiver boy! Awwww!

Now I would like to share some bodily issues with you. I know how boring that tends to be, but I would just like to bring these things to your attention.

1. My eyes. I've had surgery twice - once when I was around 2, once when I was 14. I was born with the funtacularness that is Ptosis, which means I don't have the muscle that keeps your eyes up so you don't look like you're falling asleep all the time.

It would appear that one of my eyes is kinda falling back down again. It's apparently very subtle to other people.. nobody notices it until I point it out. But it's become an obsession of mine lately. It's mostly a feeling of dread because I know I'll probably have to have surgery again, and pretty soon, too. This is not an easy surgery. And recovery time is lonngg because you don't really want to be going out in public looking like something Frankenstein made in his labratory.

It's just been driving me crazy lately. I hate it.

2. My nails are probably longer now than they've ever been. I'm not sure why. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm no longer biting them. But why am I no longer biting them? I'm not taking the pills anymore, so I'm not really sure about this phenomenon. Alls I know is that I like it a lot. It makes me feel almost proud, like I've accomplished something big. Yay long nails!

I just thought I'd share that.

So, I have to work pretty much all day tomorrow. I also have to work on Tuesday afternoon, Thursday afternoon, Friday night, Saturday afternoon, and Sunday afternoon. Damn, that's a lot of burritos. On the other hand, that's a lot of money. What a dilemma! Not really.

I'm going to bed. This daylight savings stuff is weird. It's only 11:16 but it seems like 4 am or something. Fun.

Oh yeah, and Nanowrimo starts in less than a week. If you want to interact with others, don't come here because nobody will anyway.

*****

a year ago...

"But BB and I talked for a while when we got home, and it was an intense chat. I decided that I'm gonna start looking for some kind of internship or something in Las Vegas or Austin or something.

The bottom line is that he wants to see what will happen if he doesn't have me as a crutch. He wants to have a situation where I'm not there so he has to get up out of his comfortable situation and see what else is happening in the world. And you know.. I need to do that too. I need to see what it's like when I don't have the excuse, "Oh, I can't, I'm hanging out with BB." Because that is an excuse I've been carrying around for a long, long time.

So, if this actually does happen, if we do actually take a month or two off from each other, I don't see it as totally bad. I will miss him, but I'll also figure out what it's like when I have to find things to do on my own. Crutches are bad. I want to learn how to walk on my own."

(awwww)



back & forth random
recently...

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
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