RACECAR! EHEHE!

Can this person be any more of a total D-land whore? I mean, feckin feck! Give us a damn break, woman!

Anyway.

*****

Today I am going to volunteering out of the ass. I'm going to be helping out with recording stuff for blind people at 3, then at 6 I'm going to play with the puppies at the Humane Society. I'm excited.. that's a lot of good times right there.

After that, I'm coming home and working on my novel. Last night I wrote my requisite 500 words, but I think I'm going to have to bump that up to at least 1000. It only took me like.. 15 minutes to write that much and it's only half a page. I'm going to have to do more than that if I want to get anything accomplished here. I'm also going to work on learning a little more about Excel, since I'll probably be working with that in my new job.

*****

Speaking of my new job (nice segue, ehh?), it starts tomorrow. And I'm terrified. It'll be my first 9-5 (or 7:30 to 4:30, same thing), real "job" type of job. *deleted stuff here because your mom* So I'm terrified. I hope they like me enough to keep me even when I have no clue as to what the hell I'm doing. But I'm still excited because finally I can have structure in my life, and I'm really looking forward to that.

*****

For some reason I'm losing sleep over the whole Matt thing lately. I know I have to get to a point where I'll be fine without him, and I kinda am at that point right now. But I really need to talk myself out of being so dependent on the fact that we will get back together. Like, here's a little snippet of a conversation we had last night:

Me: M Bear.
Me: I'm gonna go to bed now cuz I have some personal training in the morning.
Me: So I would just like you to know that I appreciate you, and respect you, and admire you, and totally want you.
Me: Thank you and have a nice night.
Matt: I want you too! Thank you.
Me: You don't gotta lie. :)
Matt: I do!
Matt: not have to lie.
Matt: I do! (want you)
Me: Wow.. that was kinda like one of them poetry things.
Me: haiku!

So of course I have to over anaylze it. He wouldn't say that if he didn't mean it, right? He could have just said "Thank you." But saying that he wants me and actually doing something about wanting me are two completely different things.

ARRGHHH! I HATE THIS! I HAVE NO PATIENCE!!! NONE AT ALL!!

I really need to chill out. There's still the big possibility that his other chick will come back and want him back. There's the possibility that he won't want to be with her when that happens, but it's a very slim possibility.

I just don't know. I need this job so I can get my mind off of him for a while. There's just so many things I want and it doesn't seem right if he's not there to share them with me. And he's not saying that's not going to happen.

I am so tired of this situation. Bah.

*****

There is a rare moment of sun today in Austin. It's been raining/sleeting for a week straight now and I kinda like it, but maybe sun might be nice, too.

I was thinking about going to Dallas this weekend but I changed my mind. I want to wait until I lose a little more weight so I can go shock the crap out of everyone. That would be fun/good times.

I was looking at some pictures of myself and damn.. I was a biggun. Of course, I still am, but not as biggun as I used to be. There were 2 or 3 years there when I was just not caring about what I looked like at all. I didn't feel like I had to.. Matt was there no matter what I did.

Things change, don't they?

*****

Speaking of working out.. my arms are still shaking from my work out with Kyle this morning and that was like 2 1/2 hours ago. But the payoff is that I actually have muscles now. I can feel them! They exist! I'm so excited. I really feel like I'm on the way to something big here. Like it's finally going to happen for me. Like I finally switched the switch that was controlling my weight. I don't know how to get the point across as to how exciting that is.

Finally, that's all I can say. Finally.

*****

I am so tired. It's my lack of sleep over the Matt thing, I am aware of this. Last night I woke up at 2:30 and Matt was up too, and he showed me some Mardi Gras pictures. He said he talked to the psycho chick and she said that she left him stranded in Louisiana because she felt like he needed to be taught a lesson. All because he said he didn't want to be in New Orleans after it got dark because that's when all the crazy crack head killer people like to come out. Well, it's true! You don't have to leave someone stranded in another state because of their opinion of New Orleans.

You know, I have to wonder.. when I was actually with Matt, and I was happy with him, what was it that was consuming my thoughts? I know I always thought about losing weight.. I had the whole "you'retoofatyou'retoofatyou'retoofat" dialogue constantly running through my head, but what else did I think about all the time? Was it him, was it Ryan, what the hell was it? I just don't know. But right now my two consuming thoughts are "When are we getting back together together together together together together" and "lose weightloseweightloseweightloseweight." Damn these inner dialogues.

*****

This entry is way long, so I'll be going on my way now. Have a lovely day.