baby maybe someday
December 31, 2003 Live from Vegas!

Hello there. Happy New Years Eve from the fabulousness of Las Vegas, Nevada! WOOOHOOO!

I have a lot to report, but I think I'm going to save a lot of the details for an update when I get home. I just wanted to talk a little about the new year and such like this.

Just in case any of you were wondering, Matt and I are having a pretty groovtacular time here in Vegas. There's been a few awkward and uncomfortable moments here and there, but we get over it. We're good at getting over it.

The nookie has also been outstanding. I was PISSED OFF at the beginning of the trip because Mother Nature thought it would be a good idea to give me my period two days before the trip. All that nookie, wasted! But it's over now, and believe me, I've been well taken care of, thank you very much. As has Matt. We're good at this whole nookie thing.

What would the new year be without a contemplative entry? I just don't know! And I don't want to find out.

Sometimes on this trip, I'd look over and look at Matt and think, "Wow! How did he get here?!" Because it's almost like I'm dreaming. I know that sounds lame, and it is. I just spent so much time not even allowing myself to think about possibly going anywhere with Matt the whole 8 months we were apart. Last New Years, I was devastated by this whole thing and I didn't think we'd ever pick up the pieces.

If I were to go back in time to read what I'm writing right now, that we're in Vegas and having crazy nookie in many kinds of interesting positions (KY Lube is your friend, people!), I'd want to see exactly what I am writing now. If I could have written the script for how my life could be right now, this would definitely be a part of it. I hope that makes sense.

I just see entries like this...

"When you invite your ex to have dinner with you, don't get drunk on 1 margarita and then spend an hour trying to convince him that cheating on his girlfriend with you would be a very good idea. Because most likely, he won't think it's a very good idea."

and more importantly, this...

"I'm already ashamed. Until this week, I never knew how scheming I could try to be. I never knew how being denied of nookie could piss me off so much. Today we went out to eat, we went to an arcade, and then we had ice cream. It was so much like our normal turn of events that it just felt like we should go home and do what we normally used to do. But we didn't. We still had the problem of not having anything else to do, and he still has a girlfriend, and I lie to myself when I think that I can handle it.

I can't handle it. HE HAS ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND! And he refuses to cheat on her with ME, the person that he loved for 5 YEARS.

And on one hand, I'd thank God that it's not like that anymore. I am so grateful that we've gotten past that, we've taken steps to repair the relationship.. and that's great. But there's still a few problems. Some hang-ups that are nagging me, if you will.

First of all, am I betraying myself for allowing myself to be with someone who once caused me so much pain?

I know that's crap, though. Yes, he broke up with me, and that did cause me pain. But I sometimes feel like he did it for a noble reason. He wanted a new life with the girl that he thought could help him with that. I can't really blame him for that. Our relationship at the time wasn't exactly productive for anyone.

And I've definitely noticed on this trip that we're settling back into old roles that we have for each other. He knows all the info on everything and everywhere we're going, and I let him. I let him take control of all the stuff we're supposed to do because I'm flexible like that. I take a passive role because that's how it's always been. I let him lead the way because he's the smart one in the relationship, and as a result, I don't bother learning what I'm supposed to learn because I'm letting him do all the work. It's a problem. It's something I really need to work on.

I am really ass fuckingly tired right now, so that's all for now. I'll have a much bigger update when I get back. The most important info:

Nookie: 7 times

Gambling: I've lost about $150 so far. I'm so proud. Blackjack - it hurts so good.

Okay then!

Have an awesome holiday, people. I'm going to Tuscon tomorrow to have a stress-free Arizona New Years. We're leaving Vegas tomorrow, which saddens me. There's something about this place that completely and totally fascinates me. But you know, with that terror threat and everything, I think we're gonna get out of here before it gets nutsy crazy.

Rock on!

*It's important to note that I wrote this on my new fabulous lap top that totally kicks your ass. Thank you.



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