It's not working, though. I am keeping myself together, not falling apart, not crying, not falling into the big depression that I'm trying so hard to avoid. But I'm still having procrastination issues. I know I'm not working as hard as I can to find a job, and I know why, and the reason why is so pathetically sad that I don't want to tell you, but I will anyway. It's so I can see Matt next weekend without any job interference. Isn't that pathetic?

Matt has apparently screwed up my job search the whole time I've been here, and it's not his fault at all, it's my screwed up brain pattern. The first time he screwed it up because I was so bitter and angry and sad that nobody wanted to hire me. I was so angry that all this happened that the job was the second focus on my life, and being bitter and sad was the first. Now I'm letting it screw me up because now that he actually wants to spend time with me, I don't actually want to do anything but go there and participate in the same activities that I've been participating in for 6 years, and will continue to participate in for the years to come (hopefully!).

It's so stupid. But right now I'm getting my shit together to send my resume and my clips out to all the newspapers in Austin. I should have done that the first week I was here in January, but it's a learning experience. Like I've said before, I'm not one of those people who gets it right away, I have to work at it. I have to mess it up massively before I get it right.

But I hear a song, or the sunlight comes into my room in the morning in a certain way, or I have a distinct memory from earlier this year, and I have again remind myself that I've grown since then. I've learned more stuff, I've experienced more life, I've made friends, I've had a job, I have worked on my little quirks. That makes no sense, but it does to me. It is not April. It is August, and I have every resource available to me, and I should be using them instead of watching Daredevil until 2 in the morning when I've already seen it twice. The commentary was awesome, though. THIS IS NOT 4 MONTHS AGO. I AM NOT A MESS. I AM FULLY IN CONTROL OF MY SITUATION.

The point is, I'm stronger, and I should act like it instead of being such a pussy. I hate that I act like this. I wish I could just suck it up, call people, get myself out there. This is lame. I need a job, and it shouldn't be so hard. I'm not the sniveling little mess I was 4 months ago, so what is my problem? Why can't I do this? Why am I still having so many issues about life in general? Why is it so hard?

I have to get it together. My brother is getting mad at me, everyone is getting mad because they apparently see the potential that I've never seen in myself. Yesterday he told me that I was gaining weight, what happened to all that weight I was losing? I told him today that I know he's homosexual and he lacks the gene that makes him sensitive to females and their issues, but come on, he should know not to say shit like that.

Anyway. This is boring, and I apologize. I'm trying not to get used to not having a job, but it's becoming the norm. I've spent much more time in Austin not having a job than I have actually having a job, and that's not good times.

*sigh*

This is just hard. Finding a job sucks.

I'm hungry.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"And also, this might be too much information but last night I uh.. took matters into my own hands. In the BL's bed. I figured I would do that to get back at her and my dad for having bare ass naked sex when they knew I was coming over. Revenge is fun, isn't it?

"THIS ONE'S FOR MATILDA!" Ahhh, the Professional is so great. Jean Reno is such greatness. I can do a whole entry about how great this movie is, but I'll try to restrain myself."

What was Liz doing 2 years and 1 day ago?

"She was the leader of our youth group last year, this is how I know her. Our whole group came together and sat together and it was really nice. If there was ever someone I should pattern myself after, it would be her. There's nothing bad about her. She's so strong and beautiful and special and patient, and it made me so happy to see her get married. I think she's only 20, but when you've found someone, you've found them.

What I don't understand is how she could keep her mind on the wedding and not on the wedding night. She's a nice christian girl and he's a nice christian guy, and they're going to be consumating this marriage tonight, presumably. I know, since BB is a virgin, that's all I'll be able to think about during the ceremony and reception. It's just strange to think about it. We've done so much together, been through so many things, yet there's still something we haven't done. That's just really wacky to think about."