However, I also dislike the fact that you guys sometimes judge me for the decisions I do make. I am a weak person when it comes to Matt, I admit this. If I keep up this week personality, eventually it's going to screw me over in much worse ways than I anticipated. Okay, I know this, and I accept it, because I'm not ready to let it go. I'm just not. I still feel like we have some ground to cover in this relationship. I feel like sex probably is the only thing we have going for us right now. In fact, I said something like that in this very diary a few days ago.

I realize that I've been writing at D-land for 2 and a half years, and as such, people feel like they know me. I've updated almost every single day of that 2 and a half years because it's my forum and I like using it. I know that subjects me to people who have been reading forever and know about my situation. I realize this, and I guess I don't appreciate it as much as I should.

I also realize that most people can carry on long distance relationships without having sex be the major factor like it seems to be in this one. I don't really have an explanation for that. I just know, that if things don't change by the time my 25th birthday rolls around (in which I would have been in Dallas for 9 months by then), well.. I'll be re-evaluating things. Again.

I have reasons for back tracking on the last three entries. I do, and I will get to them. But first I want to address someone, and they know who they are, who said that generally I make them insane and they are always expecting someone from my family to come update this when I have "offed myself".

Maybe I wasn't supposed to find that extremely offensive. Maybe I was supposed to be happy that that person doesn't think that way anymore? I don't know. But I did find it offensive. Very. Just because I go back and forth between loving and hating my ex-boyfriend doesn't mean I'm going to go jump off the UT Tower.

Anyway. Let me talk about my day yesterday so that I can give my reasons for back tracking.

I had a very Austin-like day yesterday, meaning I did a lot of Austinish stuff that I probably can't duplicate in Dallas. I went to the Workforce Center to start looking for a job, first of all. Then I volunteered for the Blind, which I haven't done in months but always makes me feel good so I figured it was time to get back into it. Then, I went to church and sat with my two girly friends and had a fabulous time. Then I went to my brother's house, played with his dog, and watched old home movies that he's converting to DVDs.

It was in church where I finally made my decision about Matt. Doesn't that tell you something? I say that ironicly, of course.

I decided, when the pastor was discussing Elizabeth and Mary simultaneously having babies they didn't know they were going to have, that I needed to fix this. I needed to get in there, tell him that I wasn't sorry that I freaked out but it wasn't exactly a relationship-threatening situation that I made it out to be. I decided this because I'm not finished. I want to see if we can fix this. I need to see if we can fix this. Right now, at this point, it doesn't look good. But what happens when I get back to Dallas and live 20 minutes from him? Can we fix it then?

I don't know if we can, but I want to find out.

That's only one reason.

My other reason is entirely selfish, I admit. I have about a month and half left in Austin with absolutely nothing to do. It's a bit of a struggle to find things to do every single day and every single night when I have no job and am not going to get a new job in Austin. If I didn't go on that road trip for New Years, I'd be coming back here on December 27th with absolutely nothing to do.

That is completely ridiculous, I understand that. But I want to go on that road trip. I want to go to New Orleans because I don't want to break my record. I want to spend a week with Matt to see if we can challenge this whole sex and companionship thing.

It makes sense to me. I know I've dissapointed a huge chunk of you, and I'm sorry. It was so nice to get all those guestbook entries and notes about how you guys were proud of me. But when it comes down to it, its only me who can make the decision. That's sad, I know. But it's the way it is.

I'm out.

*****

a year ago...

"I also feel like some of these people are playing games with me. Like, Eminem. Do you ever get the feeling that his fame is just a big joke to him? Like he totally screwed America into thinking he's something completely different than he is?"