Okay, I get it. You're trying to teach me a lesson. Fine, fine, keep teaching. But can't you help me out every now and then, or is this going to be a continuous downward spiral sort of situation?

I understand that I fucked up my life beyond recognition in the months between October of 1997 and October of 2002. I got caught up in living the life of the doteful girlfriend, the girl who neglected herself in a relationship that wasn't even that productive. I completely abandoned taking care of myself and my future. I let go and lived in a semi-reality that everybody on the outside looked at with pity.

And now the other shoe has dropped.

I am 24 years old and I can't find a job that uses my education and experience and creativity and it's sucking the life out of me. It's making me feel like a total failure. I know I did this to myself.. those 5 years I spent in obscurity just screwed me up beyond belief. I don't know what I was thinking when I refused to get a job or an internship or when I thought that missing another Friday night of doing nothing than sitting in bed watching TV with my boyfriend was the most horrible thing ever.

Why am I STILL being punished for this, and how the FUCK do I get the hell out of it? That media job that I wanted so bad? I didn't get it. That internship I thought looked promising? I didn't get that, either. Come on, I've paid my dues. I've made burritos, I've taken calls from angry GM customers, I've rolled fucking pickles for lunch, I've put up with a bitchy female boss who fired me because I didn't know how to use a typewriter, I've worked for my dad at a dead-end job where I do NOTHING all day. I just want one break.

Come on, universe. I don't know how to do this by myself. I never HAD to do it by myself and ever since I've had to I've just been completely lost.

Universe, I don't mean to sound whiny here, but I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN THIS AROUND. I'm feeling completely useless these days, and I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT AROUND. What goes around comes around, right? I've been through a year and a half full of ups and downs, but mostly downs. I've experienced feelings that I thought I would never feel, and I understand that is what has to happen in order to actually be happy.

So, happy? What do I have to do in order to be that? I mean, happy. What does it take? How do I do it, because seriously? I have no idea. It's making me CRAZY.

Universe, please whisper in my ear what to do, because I don't know. I know this is the most pathetic plea in the world, but I just have no idea what to do here. Nobody ever told me how to do this, and I wasn't born to know how, either. Maybe someone told me once, but I was too busy being in the easy, blissful "Girlfriend" stage of my life.

I understand now. I understand that nobody else is going to do it for me. But what's the next step? I just want one chance. Not a chance to make burritos or be a secretary, but a REAL, bonafied chance.

Please, give me a hint.

*****

Dear Self,

So, I know you haven't really taken a good look at yourself lately. I know that feeling of disgust that one is supposed to feel when they're this fat and gross has worn away in the past years and apathy has set in, but have you REALLY looked at yourself lately?

Yeah, those pictures from this weekend really told an interesting story, didn't they? You are FAT. You are GROSS. And you continue to pretend to do something about it, but then you go and have cheesecake ice cream for dinner and you're not doing anything about it.

And you wonder why you can't get a job? And you wonder why nobody ever looks at you twice? And you wonder why that guy asked you "How many months?" while looking at your huge disgusting stomach? You are GROSS. You need to eat a couple of salads every now and then. You have to program yourself to want good things.

Why do you hate yourself so much? So you've made mistakes in the past, GET OVER IT! Get.thefuck.over.it. It's not that hard! Just look at those HORRIBLE pictures and GET OVER IT.

Self-loathing is not good. It's not going to get you anywhere. GET OVER IT.

EAT A SALAD! Maybe then your thighs won't rub together when you're wearing a skirt, like a true fat ass. Way to go, fattie.

Nobody is going to do it for you.

*****

Dear Dallas employers,

I know that beautiful person with all the experience is a nice candidate for your job, but think about it: with just a little training, I will be better than that person. That person probably has had a good job before and might take this one for granted! But me, I've been out of the job for so long, and I will be so grateful for this opportunity that I will work twice as hard as that person because I am so excited to have the job.

And I'm cheap! You don't have to pay me much.

Just think about it. I need a job. You need someone to work for you who will do a good job.

Really.

Dear Intern of Slut Reviews:

I know my review is coming up soon, and I would just like to apologize for the craptasticness that is my entries lately. I am scared of what you have to say. Would it help if I kissed your ass right here? You rock. I love your reviews. I even added Slut Reviews to my buddy list because I'm so addicted.

But yeah. Sorry that it sucks. But at least I'm not 15 years old and cutting myself, right? RIGHT?

That is all.

****

a year ago...

"I should be happy right now, but I miss Matt, and I want so much more for myself. I'm tired of missing him. I'm tired of loving him. A point that I've been missing is that he must really love her if he's willing to go without the sexual part of the relationship. From age 16 to 21 his main goal in life was to get as many chicks as possible, and now he has just one, and she's not giving him any. I hate her. I do.. I hate her. And I'm starting to hate him."

2 years ago...

"She has an amazing memory, that girl does. How does she remember this stuff? And why don't I remember it?! She remembered the name of a band I wanted to start when I was like 15! I wanted to name it "Salad" cuz "we're all mixed up!" Hehe! Get it?!"