baby maybe someday
2003-05-07 Quite possibly the longest entry of all time.

I have decided that it is absolutely necessary to move my TV and DVD player and the big giant thingie they are encased in to the other side of my front room. I can't see the TV when I'm typing, and God only knows that can't be a good thing! I think that's what has been keeping me from writing my great American novel. That, and that I don't know what to write about.

Tonight, I went swimming. This may or may not be a Really Big Thing. I put that in caps because it seems like lately, a lot of Really Big Things seem to be happening. Like, that I seem to be getting over "It." Not "him" but "it", that being the whole dumped in October, getting replaced in December by the world's most perfect blond, moving to Austin and not being capable of getting a job thing.

Like I've said before, I'm finally starting to notice other boys. Lots of other boys. All over the place. It's like they shipped them in for the summer or something. And the fact that I went swimming I think is a Really Big Thing. I didn't care about all the other people by the pool, I didn't care that I was a big fat person swimming, I didn't care that other people eventually got in there with me, I felt good. I LOVE swimming. It's erotic, first of all. And it's just me, gravity, and the water. I love it. I love it a lot.

I am feeling more independent now. Of course, I'll feel even more independent when I finally am able to support myself, but I feel good right now. Almost powerful.

I REALLY, REALLY want that job though. Like seriously, I am totally obsessing over it. It's not looking good, though. Not only do I want it too much, but it seems like a whole lot of other people want it, too. And they haven't called me in for an interview yet, and some other chick got an interview, but I feel like I have an advantage over her because she already has a job and can't start immediately. I can start like.. right now. At 9:24 on Wednesday night. Bring it on!

Why do I want it? Because it's at the friggin Austin American Statesman, for one thing. Because it's located about 10 minutes from me. Because it pays $12.00 an hour. Because it's 32 hours a week. Because it's in my field. Because I'm qualified for it. Because it will give me a chance to work for reporters and learn more stuff. Because it would just fucking rock.

I've been praying and shit about it, but I feel like that's a very selfish thing to pray about. Shouldn't I be praying for the victims of the tornadoes and people with Sars and people that have no food to eat instead of my own job situation? Guhhh.. I just don't know.

I'm talking to Matt right now. I don't know why. But we're talking about Dawson's Creek. Since the series finale is next week, he's going to be all depressed. It's like when football season ends.. it'll leave a big hole in his heart.

I mean, seriously.. (I've said that like 5 times in one entry.. I totally sound like a Valley Girl today) the boy is serious about his Dawson's Creek. Sometimes it's the only thing that sustains him during the spring. I've seen him almost cry because he couldn't get to a TV to watch it.

I don't watch it anymore. I can't even watch it when it comes on 37 times a day. You are stronger than me!

Anyway.. after I finished swimming tonight (by the way, what feeling in the world can ever compare to coming back inside after swimming? I love the way it feels to have that temperature change.. I know, I'm a freak)I just kinda sat outside and thought about how I ended up here. Here, in Austin, on May 7th, 2003, in my apartment, sitting by the pool, listening to some dude play guitar and just thinking about how far I've come. Somebody actually called me tonight and wanted to hang out with me. People call me! People want to do stuff with me!

I know I still have my rough times, but the good times and the bad times are becoming more equal now, and not so much of the bad times anymore. If I could just get that job, I know I would be so extremely overly happy, but I don't think I will. It's not looking good. And one thing I've learned is that I can't always get what I want, but sometimes, I can get what I need.

Like, look what I was doing a year ago...

"I was listening to one of the live albums today and the live version of Don't Cry almost made me cry, even though it was telling me not to. There's just something about his voice that no one has ever had and no one ever will be even close to having, and I want him. I WANT HIM BAD! Gimme. Gimme some Axl.

and...

"Is it okay to feel contempt for a certain chick that is ALWAYS in the pool in her little tiny clothes? And to feel disgust because this person doesn't have the body for her little tiny clothes? Or am I just bitter because I can't wear little tiny clothes in the pool? The pool is right outside my door at my dorm, so like there's people in the damn thing all the time. Make them go away. It's loud!

I mean.. I was obsessing over people in their little clothes and Axl Rose. I wasn't worried about getting a job or getting over a sad break-up or what I'll be doing on Friday afternoon. I was just doing the same thing I always did.. going to school, studying a little, getting online a lot, going to Matt's a lot. I've evolved. Things are changing.

And that is good.

Also, I was going through all my MP3's, and I think I'm going to have to delete half of them. Most of them are from the Matt era, and some are songs I don't even like that much. Like, here's some examples of stupid songs I have, that I used to listen to all the time:

- Roger Miller, King of the Road

- She Daisy, This Woman Needs

- Willie Nelson, City of New Orleans

- Toto, Africa

- Billy Joel, Light as the Breeze

I need to do some deleting. It seems like some of those songs are so far behind me right now.

Also, I'm obsessed with Six Feet Under. Also, I'm obsessed with the recaps of Six Feet Under on Television Without Pity and it's becoming a sickness. I was almost late for a temp agency interview today because I was reading a recap.

Today, I did the stairstepper for a record of 22 WHOLE MINUTES! Before that, I could only make it to 9 minutes. I was sweating like a banshee, but I felt really good. Yay stairstepper!

But thats okay.

But I digress.

I had a lot to talk about tonight. Apparently. Yesterday was my dad's birthday, Sunday is mother's day (my mommy is coming to visit this weekend! yay!), the 20th is Matt and Scott's birthday, and the 29th is my brother's birthday. Lots of shiznit.

Lalalala. I can't seem to end this entry.

Oh, and also, I've taken to talking to the roach in my bathroom. I haven't seen him a couple of days, but I know he's lurking in there, waiting to scare the shit out of me when I wake up to take my 4 AM pee break. So before I go in the bathroom, I announce myself. I'm all like, "Come on, roach, go away. Don't be in there. Go away now! I don't want to see you in there!" He's kinda become a little roach friend, even though the next time I see him, his ass is going down. DOWN, I SAY!



back & forth random
recently...

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004