I think that when we get a taste of something good, even for maybe moments at a time, we spend the rest of our lives chasing down that one good moment, while making ourselves miserable in the process.

We see something good in a person, so we know that person inherently has good qualities, but then that person disappoints you, but you've seen the good, so you don't give up on them. But while you're not giving up, you're having bad times because you're refusing to give up on the hope that that person (or situation) will once again become that person you saw that they could be.

Obviously I was thinking about this in reference to the whole Matt situation. I did it when we were in our whole "Let's spend all our time together and abandon everything else" stage of the relationship. Things weren't good probably more than half the time, but I let it pass, because I thought if I just hung in there, things could be the same way they were when we first started dating, which was all nookie and roses and complete and total faith in each other.

And Matt was probably doing the same thing with me. We saw versions of each other in the first stages that were appealing to each other, but as time went on and we settled into our own habits and flaws, he recognized that nothing was going to change, we were just going down the same road with me having no friends and no other kind of life to speak of and all my other quirks, so he ended it. At the time I was devastated, obviously. And obviously him having someone else on the back burner at the time was a big player, as well. But the thing is.. he probably did the right thing for us at the time. We couldn't keep going like that. He probably should have done it a year or two earlier, when I still had time to make some lost time up in college. But it was The Girl that made him gather his courage and just do it. Which, of course, I hate.. but it had to happen that way so we could all get our wake up calls.

So then I went almost a year thinking that something else had to happen, that this wasn't going to be the end of things, our relationship was too strong to just discard and not come back to. Well, I was right. And for 2 months, I tasted a little morsel of what it was like to be truly happy with Matt.

The crowning moment was our annual trip to College Station. We spent 2 days there, and when I think about being Truly Happy with Matt, that is what I think about. He was happy to see me after being apart a few weeks, due to the whole me living in Austin thing. We had good nookie. We talked about how well I was doing at my job.

I remember the moment that I was so extremely content with life. We were at his football writer dinner thingie, and Hank Williams Jr. was on the loudspeaker, we were playing pool, I had some cleavage going on, and I just remember thinking, "This is what I want for my life. I want pool, Hank Williams Jr., and Matt." I know that's a weird thing to want, but it made me happy.

And that is what I think of when I don't see him for two weeks at a time now. That's what I think of when I ask if I can go to College Station with him this year, for the fourth year in a row, and he says he doesn't know yet, he might be too busy there. That's what I think of when I realize it's nearly a year since getting back together and he has yet to say he loves me, although I know he does. That's what I think of when I'm just so dissatisfied with what we have right now that I'm about ready to throw my hands up and say "You win."

I know I have it in me, and I know he has it in him, because I've seen it before. To me, it's almost worth being miserable right now because in the long run, I'll be happy. Now, will I be happy with him, I'd like to think so.. but I don't really know. But I do know that once I'm happy with myself, once I've finally figured out how to lose weight without jeopardizing myself, once I figure out how to come out of my loner shell and want to be with people and make friends, once I finally get enough confidence to get the career that I want up and running.. it will be different. I know this in my heart and my soul, and that's why I keep hanging on.

And another thing... I wonder what people think about when they see us together. We hardly ever go anywhere socially anymore, but yesterday we actually went bowling after *gasp* I spent the night. I was wondering what people see when they look at us together. Do they see friends, or lovers, or what? It actually bothered me yesterday, the vibes we were giving out. We gave each other high fives after a job well done, but there wasn't any hugging or touching or affection. Which should bother me, but I'm so entirely used to it by now that I'm just kind of apathetic towards the whole situation.

I don't know. I wish I could find someone else and turn this whole thing around, but I don't think I'm right for anyone right now. And while I know I'm a mess right now and need to make improvements, there's a part of me that's always going to wish that the way I am now, the mess, the screw-up, the daddy's girl, was good enough for him. It should be, but it's not, and I'm too chicken-shit to do anything about it.

Our relationship is so different from what it used to be. I used to write him novel-length emails about how I loved him. I used to spend the night at his house at least 2 nights a week, I used to see myself as two people, me and him. And now we're two seperate people completely, and I just wish we could find a medium in there somewhere.

I know I don't talk about Matt a lot these days, but that's mainly because nothing is really going on at the moment. We talk pretty much everyday, but it's about the weather and the radio and puppies and innocent, safe things like that. But it's been practically 7 years, and I just wish we could come to some kind of conclusion sometime soon.

I could do a whole entry on this, but look at what I was saying a year ago, a week before Matt was dumped and called me approximately 2 minutes after he hung up the phone with the girl:

"I'm happy for a lot of reasons. I'm happy that I'm making lots of money. I'm happy that I have something to do for 8 hours a day and I don't have to plan every single second of my day. I'm happy that I get paid next Friday. I'm happy that I initiated conversation with Matt in a week and I haven't talked to him in almost 6 days.

The point is, and I reserve the right to change my mind at any point anytime soon, that as of June 6th, 2003, at 10:53 PM, I am feeling good. I am feeling like I can beat this. I feel like I can overcome. I feel good about the situation and not knowing the outcome of the situation in its entirety. I am at a good place. This can change in a matter of seconds, but right now, it's allll goooodd."

What would have happened if we didn't get back together? Would I be where I am right now, or would I have let myself be taken in a totally different direction? Ahh, the fun of questioning judgement.

Last night I had what I considered to be Elizabeth's All Star Anxiety Dream, which contained a whole bunch of different situations that I dream about from time to time all in one dream. There was Amanda, my best friend for 6 years whom I haven't talked to since we graduated in 1998. There was Claire, who always makes me feel like shit. There was me not being able to find some clothes to wear. There was me having to miss work because I had to take more classes to graduate, but I never made it to those classes in time. Just all in one dream! Great.

And then I came to work this morning to find out that one of the three people who work here got GORED BY A BULL this weekend and is now in the hospital. Hi, welcome to Texas, we miss work because we're gored by bulls.

In other news, J-Lo got married, Ronald Reagan died, Smarty Jones lost and Oscar De La Hoya won. All is not right in the world.