Lunch went well. Very very well. Matt met me at El Fenix, we shared some witty banter and fajitas, and all was well. He said I looked "very beautiful" and that's always a nice thing to hear from your ex. He brought me this huge bag of stuff that he found in his room, and I'm just not going to look at it yet. Contained in that bag is the posterboard from Relationship Jeopardy, this thing he made up for me on our 1 year anniversary. So I'm just going to avoid that bag for a while.

But I think it went better than I expected. I wasn't nervous, and I didn't fall down in tears, and we smiled and joked about the past, and I enjoyed it. We hugged before we left and it was just one of those longing hugs that I just have to get used to. I wanted it to last for hours, that hug that he gave me. But it only lasted a minute, and it was cold and windy, and we retreated to our cars and went our seperate ways.

It was the perfect way to have lunch. I looked great, I managed to keep the conversation civil, I didn't make snide remarks about his girlfriend situation, and it was just good times. Like I said, the perfect state to keep our relationship in at the moment - if it's frozen in time like this, it will be after a lunch where I managed to not be nervous, not fuck anything up, and not talk about getting into his pants. So there ya go.

I'll just say this.. it gave me a lot of hope. It made me think that 5 1/2 months isn't such a long time, and it made me think that I will have a fair chance when I get back. I know I have a lot of things he's looking for in a chick, and I know he'll be thinking about those things when I come back. And of course, when I come back I'll be 30 or 40 pounds lighter and I'll be happy because I finally let it go. And I'm going to let it go. Because I know I have to if I ever want to grow.

I know that makes no sense to anyone but me. But that's okay. Because it doesn't have to make sense to anyone else. You dig?

I can dig it.