Yes people, that's right! Do not adjust your computer monitors, Axl is truly back in my layout! WOOOOHOOOO!

I just couldn't stand it anymore. I tried for almost a year to have an Axl-free layout, but I can't anymore. He's in my blood now. I have no choice.

Thank you to the talented and wonderfultacular Mollylicious for the layout. I bugged her a lot about it. And now its here! WOOO!

Hi party people. I have a lot to say tonight, so put your party hats on. And really, it's going to be all about Matt, because that's what I feel like talking about. HA!

First of all, due to a massive financial miscommunication, we will not be going to Vegas for New Years. This is really bumming me out more than it should. I am a teeny tiny bit relieved as I don't really have to worry about all that driving to Vegas and staying there for a week entails. But it meant a lot to me, and I'm really sad that we aren't going.

So here's the deal with that. When I told Matt about a month ago that my dad gave me some money to last the next couple of months, this got the wheels turning in that big ginormous brain of his. He apparently thought I was a gillionaire. He apparently thought this meant "WOO! FREE RIDE!"

I didn't see that coming. When we talked about this last night, it came as a shock to me that he wasn't planning on contributing any of his own money! He was expecting me to pay for the whole trip! So, while I was out there thinking that this was a statement about our relationship, it was a declaration of his love that he wanted to go on a trip with me for so long, that last New Years Eve I wouldn't have even let myself think of something like that happening because it was so beyond the range of reality.. he was basically just thinking of it as a free ride.

I can't tell you how much this pisses me off. And he says that my finances are none of his business, but he is also slyly still trying to blame this on me. He said "Something must have come up or you wouldn't have spent that money, since you knew it was for Vegas." Oooh, that made me mad. The only thing that "came up" was the massive amount of bills I had to pay. Having no job for almost 3 months causes some bills to slide, and when I got money, I had to pay them. I also paid 4 months of rent. Therefore, money is not in abundance anymore. It's not like I went out one night and spent all my money on cocaine and whores.

My mom told me she saw this coming. It didn't even occur to me, really. I almost feel stupid because of it.

Anyway. Now we're going to Vicksburg. Vicksburg, Mississippi. I've been there. No offense to Vicksburg, Mississippi but it's not exactly my favorite vacation destination.

I guess I was just spoiled by the two years we did actually go to Vegas for New Years. I still smile when I think of when we went in 2001. I love having bragging rights about the whole Guns N Roses concert ordeal, with not having a hotel room, with actually getting to Vegas 2 hours before the concert, with paying $400 for the tickets, with having one of the greatest times in my life at this concert. I love Vegas. I know it's not that big of a deal, but I really do. It represents something for me.

So. That just really bummed me out. To think that I was romanticizing this awesome trip, thinking it was Matt making a huge statement about our relationship, and yeah. It wasn't. It was him being a cheap fucking bastard. I really underestimated his cheap bastardness. I guess I won't do that anymore.

In other Matt news, along with the whole Vegas thing, I didn't have that great of a time while I was there for the past couple of days. I did enjoy seeing Bailey the Beagle, although she, still being a puppy and everything, likes to put her nose in anything and everything.

I only got one orgasm out of the whole Thing. Powerful and great as it was, he got THREE. Yes, three whole orgasms. The whole thing about me only getting one out of it, well, that's a special story.

This next paragraph right here can be characterized as TMI, just so we all know. But I feel like sharing anyway.

My period is quite irregular. I don't really have it unless I'm taking Glucophage and/or birth control pills. I haven't been taking either one lately because I suck, so I wasn't expecting my period to come. Well, after a particular vigorous amount of foreplay on Matt's part, I noticed a little blood. And then later that day, it came. Somehow, Matt single handedly started my period for me. Isn't that romantic?

Romantic or not, it pissed me off. I didn't drive 200 miles for ONE orgasm. I mean, it was nice to see him and everything, but I just saw him two weeks ago and will most likely see him again next weekend for Thanksgiving.

I dunno. I had an okay time. We watched 3 or 4 episodes of Boston Public on Tivo, did some secret shopping, stuffed our fat asses with more food, etc.

I don't know how I'm feeling about the Matt situation right now. I'm a little pissed off at the whole thing, really. Certain little and big things are causing me to question everything I'm thinking about this stupid relationship. I keep assuring myself that we'll get to the bottom of things when I get back to Dallas, but I almost feel like 2 1/2 months is too long. I feel like we have to get this show on the road! We have to sink or swim here! We're getting old. I don't want to still be with him when I'm 26 or 27 without any promises of the future. I mean, at one point when we were having a little argument about Vegas, he said I was looking at it the wrong way, and that he doesn't care where we go, because we'll be spending time together. Well, that's paraphrasing. He didn't say it exactly that way, of course. But then he said, "I mean, I don't have a girlfriend, I'm not seeing anyone, I'm not even close to seeing anyone.."

And that just made me even MORE mad! For him to assure me of these things makes me think that he's BITTER about not having those things or something. That we still have accomplished nothing in the 6 months we've been "back together."

I don't know. I'm irritated. I'm having some wickedly painful cramps. I'm tired. I haven't done Nano in 2 days and I'm really far behind. So maybe I should just go to sleep and chill out.

There was just this one point, while we were secret shopping, where he saw this little baby crying and its mom was holding it and trying to get it to stop crying, and Matt was all like "Awwww!!!!" It was a different kind of Awww that I've heard from him before. It was a wistful Awww. It was a "I really want that" kind of awwww. And it broke my heart because I want him to have that, and I know he'll be an excellent father, and I feel like this whole process of being together is just lagging along because I haven't proven myself yet, and that's just bullshit! And it pisses me off, yet again it makes me sad because I know how badly he wants a family.

*takes a breath*

I mean.. he tried it with someone else, and she didn't work out. He came back to me on his own. He didn't have to. So I don't know why I'm making myself feel guilty about it.

Anyway. Thanks for listening. I had to get that off my chest.