Anyway.

So Matt and I had a little mini-argument last night that really kinda bothered me. Like, in a bad karmic way.

Basically, we just weren't communicating properly. He was kinda making hints about wanting to see me, and I wasn't really taking them because he just got back from a road trip and when he gets back, he wants to have alone time to go over all the stuff he missed. I hesitated to even message him because a lot of the time he just doesn't want to be bothered, which is cool, I can dig it.

So essentially we got in a little fight because I was trying to anticipate his feelings, which, of course, is crap. And then he started a brand new argument when I said I was going to bed, and he said "Bye." Now, he's never given me a plain and dry "Bye" ever in my whole life. There was the unfortunate "Later tator" incident, but that was JUST after we broke up. Usually it's "Goodnight, sweetie!" Or something.

To tell you the truth, I know why the whole thing started.

My dad and Matt are both Taurases, and so basically, I know how to manipulate them most of the time. That makes me a crackwhore, but hey, you do what you have to do. But a feature they both have is that they KNOW when something's wrong even when I haven't communicated that fact with them. And even when I try to hide it and act like it's all good, they will get to the bottom of it. They just KNOW, and it makes me crazy.

Basically, in the last couple of days really, I've been thinking about Matt and how we really just don't get each other anymore. How really.. there's just not much there.

Ever since Thursday, when I came over and we indulged in the sweet nookie, I've just been feeling yucky about things. I don't like being reduced to "fuck buddy" anymore. I mean.. we do other stuff like watch TV and sometimes go out to eat and stuff, but that's all I feel like right now, and I don't know when that's going to change. What's more than that.. I feel like I shouldn't have to change in order to take this to another level. I'm me. I'm always going to be me. He should take me, or not take me, whatever. We should take a step forward or just break the hell up again, permanently. I'm tired of this.

I remember when we first "got back together" last June. That was almost a year ago, which I can barely comprehend. But I used to look forward to seeing him. I remember when driving the three hours from Austin to his house would be sooo long because I couldn't wait to get to his house so I could be in his arms again. We had 2 months like that, where he would be excited to see me and actually suggest things for us to do and make an effort and all that stuff, and it's just not like that anymore. I like to see him, but if I don't, it's no big deal. And when I do see him, it's not like I'm having some rush of romantic feelings for him.

I don't know. But I do know weird things are permeating around the atmosphere.

My stepdad did my tarot cards on Saturday and it was really interesting. Now, I am inclined to believe in the wackiness that is tarot because when I was 15, Angie did my tarot and it was revealed that Ryan will come back, and he will stay. He has come back, many many times. And for that reason, I believe in that kind of thing.

Basically the cards said that a new boy was coming into my life. A boy with money, apparently! Which sounds good to me. And there was some stuff about my upcoming trip to Austin, and stuff like that.

The major thing that my stepdad brought up later was the fact that Matt wasn't in the cards AT ALL. I thought he might have been the Hermit, but he wasn't. And the fact that he wasn't included at all and he's not a major selling point in the future was a big thing to me. It was revealing. So I just don't feel very good about us anymore.

There's nothing I'm going to do about it. I don't want to communicate this with him because that just never works. My actions say more than anything, but unfortunately he always knows what my actions are saying. So I'm just going to ride it out. We'll see where it goes, I guess. And meanwhile, I'm waiting for my Money Boy.

In other news, I'm debating whether or not to call Ryan. I've been dreaming about him lately, and I miss him, and I'm worried that I've waited too long to communicate with him and now it's fruitless. I don't think I will end up calling him. But we have unfinished business and I truly believe that our story isn't over until its finished.

But I'm weird.

Okay.

Seacrest out.