But as the dude who was just in here said, "Any job is a good job." Except when you're working at Jason's Deli, that is.

I'm thinking about starting a novel and writing it when in times like this, when there's still 2 hours left and I have absolutely nothing to do. Being a secretary sucks, yo.

In other news, I don't know anymore. I thought I was getting my shit together, I thought I was on the path towards happiness, and then Matt just keeps dissapointing me, and it's all my fault. I keep coming up with these ridiculous ideas.. I came up with another one today.. "Can I come over on Friday and spend the night, purely platonically of course, so the trip to the farm will take an hour and a half instead of 3 and a half hours?" And guess what? His answer was no. His answer was "Why do you keep asking me things you know I'm going to say no to? Why do you set yourself up for failure?"

Good question, Matt. Good question. Why DO I set myself up for failure? I've done this my entire life. I haven't lost weight, I've said stupid things, I've been lazy, even when I know it's going to result in failure. Why? Because failure is easy. I'm good at it. I'm good at sabotaging myself, my relationships, and my sanity. It's what I do, and damnit, I'm the best at it.

So, I'm just going to have to do what I did at the beginning. I'm going to have to hope that he comes to his senses one day and realizes that I'm the one for him. All this time has passed and I'm not sure if that helps me or hinders me. On one hand, he and this girl have already been through a lot of shit together, so once they get back together, their love will be that much stronger and all that bullshit. On the other hand, he knows what I can offer him. He knows that I can snuggle with him with my big boobs, he knows that we have a history together that proves my love for him is totally pure, he knows that I would give him a blow job whenever he's in the mood because that's just what I do. He knows that. And now it's up to him to realize that's what he wants. If he wants a girl that can offer him intellectually stimulating conversation and a certain maturity that I may never acquire, well, then he can have her. Because that's her, and I'm me, and there's nothing I can do about that.

It's a crazy time right now, but I have to let things happen as they may, let fate take over. Because me trying to be scheming and manipulative and sexual isn't going to help a god damned thing.

Bah. That's what I say.

I suppose I should return to work now.