baby maybe someday
2003-06-16 Smooshy McPeepins

Everyone go visit the Bunnied One because she rocks and because over the last couple of days, about 2 million of her readers have come to me. Thank you, Oh Bunnyliscious One.

Are you guys ready for this? I'm actually in a good mood! I was in an ultra shitty mood this morning, but I came home for lunch and talked to Matt a little and I left feeling an ass ton better. His computer isn't working properly and that's why he wasn't online yesterday. He wasn't, as I feared, in the arms of the girl.

I came home for lunch because first of all, I was running late this morning and didn't have time to make my lunch to bring. And also because I wanted to extend my lease so I could get it over with. So, now it's official: I will be in Austin until January 31st, 2004. And who knows what'll happen after that. I'm predicting that I'll be hauling my ass back to Dallas on the date, but who knows? A lot happened in just 5 1/2 months here, and we all know a lot will happen in the next 7 1/2 months after that.

You know, if Matt was an asshole, he could just ask me to come home after my lease is up in August, and I probably would, and he probably knows that. But instead he's really supportive of me staying here, and I appreciate that. No guilt or pressure or anything, and that's a good thing.

So work today. It went by pretty damn fast. We took a test and by some kind of miracle I got a 90 on it. Well, actually, I worked really hard to get that 90, so yeah. Yay for my 90, damnit.

I'm still lost on a lot of stuff, but I think I'll learn it quickly once I get out there and start answering the phones. I'm actually kinda looking forward to it. Woot.

And in other news, I'm trying hard to deal with the sea of conflicting emotions floating around in my head. I keep asking the eternal question, "Am I betraying myself by even thinking of getting back together with him?" There's just so many things he did wrong when you get down to it.. so many ways in which I was lied to, unappreciated, jerked around, mindfucked... and I can't overlook that. I can't forget about it. But, I mean.. I'm willing to move on. I'm just not sure he is.

On one hand, I'm so glad that part of my life where I counted every single day that I didn't talk to him is over. I'm so glad that I don't have to obsess about the girl and if they're together right this second and if they're about to get engaged. But on the other, I still have no guarantee that it's ever going to happen. Sometimes I even go back to look at my entries from the past couple of days just to make sure it actually did happen, he did call me and he did tell me he got dumped and he did drive 400 miles round trip just to see me and talk about our relationship and we did have crazy nookie and and and.. and it really did happen. But it still doesn't mean anything unless I get the desired outcome, and I still don't know if that'll happen.

He did say there's a 95% chance of that happening, that we will get back together. But that's not good enough for me right now. I will be paranoid until I actually hear the words "Will you be my girlfriend?" come out of his lovely yummy mouth. I hope that moment comes soon, but again, there's a sinking feeling in my stomach that it won't. Ever.

And then there's this other feeling.. if it doesn't work out this time, that's it. I really have to look deep inside myself and see that this truly is our last chance. If it doesn't happen this time, then I can't let it happen again. This is it. I'm hoping and praying that he won't fuck this up.

And he's trying to show me that I'm really the one in charge right now, but as usual, the ball is in his court. I'm waiting for that second that he wants to get back together, yet again. It's all him, because he knows that even though I have issues, I'd say yes in a second. I hate that he's in charge.

Okay, I'm sorry, I just had to get that out. I feel better now.

Now I'm going to put some shorts on and really get down to cleaning this nasty apartment. For real this time. I swear.



back & forth random
recently...

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004