In other news, my brother is taking on the dubious task of converting all of our old family video tapes into DVD's. To do this, he has brought me on to assist him in watching all these tapes and documenting, with the counter, when stuff happens.

So as a result, I've been watching all of our old tapes. I've seen things that I haven't thought about in 12 years. I've seen that I used to be kinda cool. I was really awkward looking, but it almost seemed like I didn't really care. I've also seen that my brother and I used to make fun of each other all the time, but we still got along. My brother and my mom and I were like a little gang with each other sometimes. I've seen my brother pretend to be heterosexual with his beautiful girlfriend from high school. It was amusing to watch.

There's also a very rare scene from the summer of 1991 where my brother and his girlfriend and I are just sitting around watching MTV. What video is on? That would be "Welcome to the Jungle." My brother looks at the TV and says "There's Axl!" And I'm just like.. whatever. And then, the audio is really weird on this and I might have heard it wrong.. I say to his girlfriend "I think he's trying too hard!" In reference to Axl. So, there you have it folks. It was definitely not love at first sight with my one and only Axl.

It made me laugh, anyway.

And it's funny that I mentioned Amanda a few days ago. On one of the tapes I watched, there's a whole 30 minutes or so with me and Amanda filming each other in 1991, when I'm totally and completely obsessed with Christian Slater. We're in my room, and my walls are totally covered in pictures of him. It's hilarious.

Something I noticed when I watched in awe.. Amanda and I had our own language, and we understood each other, and I miss that so much. I wish I had that with another person at this point in my life. We were so comfortable with each other, it was almost like we were just an extension of the other person. I don't have anyone in my life like that anymore. I want a best friend! I want a girl that I can just totally be myself around, having private jokes and weird things that nobody else understands.

I mean, I know most people had a person like that when they were 11 years old. You HAVE to have that. You HAVE to have a person who will go to bat for you when you're facing the hell that is JUNIOR HIGH. But what happens to those people when we grow up, and why do we have to lose them? It makes me sad. It makes me more than sad, it makes me wistful. It makes me think of a simpler time when we didn't have to worry about friends stabbing us in the back, we just had to worry what we were going to wear to school the next day.

Although, it was totally more complicated than that back then, so I shouldn't trivialize it. But, you know.

At one point, Amanda told me to do the "boo boo dance", where I hopped up and down and said "Oww! Owww!" It was sooo funny. I used to be a goofball.

*sigh*

Anyway, tonight I'm going to Matt's. I know it's a little retarded to go to Matt's when I just went there 2 weeks ago and when I'm to Dallas next week for Thanksgiving. But what can I say? He wanted me to come. He misses me. He's busy with his stuff so he can't come here. I'm busy with stuff too, but I'm mobile. I'm not working until Saturday, so it's no big deal for me to come there. Except that whole 200 miles away thing. And someday I think I'll appreciate the fact that I used to be able to just get up and drive whenever I felt like it. Hopefully.

I so need to get off my ass and clean my apartment before I leave. I know this, yet I'm still sitting here, pondering ordering pizza at 2:30 in the afternoon.

You know, I'm still happy. I don't feel depressed. I'm not walking around with my head hanging down feeling sorry for myself anymore. I haven't had that aching in the chest kind of crying spell for at least a month. But I am still having my issues, and I have to deal with these issues at some point before they truly do get out of control. And some of them already have. I think it might be safe to say that I have an "eating disorder", for example. But I've probably had one of those for many many years. I should deal with that. That would be a good idea.

Anyway. Cleaning my room would be a good thing to do right now. Okay then.

Nano update: Last year at this time I was done. This year: 32,692 words. That's not good. But I'm still on track. I'm not giving up. I'll get there soon.

As a sidenote, yesterday I uttered the words "That's a lot of porn!" to almost a complete stranger. The context of those words, and to what stranger I said them to, will have to remain a mystery.

*****

a year ago...

"So yeah, I finished my novel last night. To those who despair because they haven't finished yet, don't despair. I have only finished because I have no life, my boyfriend pretty much left me, I neglected school, I have no job, etc. So it's probably a good thing you haven't finished yet. Trust me. Really.

2 years ago...

"It's also fun to see how amusing farting is to 5 girls. We would just laugh and laugh and laugh about the multitude of farting (some of us had some beans. And some of us aren't used to champagne.) that was going on. Oooh, and they were smelly too. "