baby maybe someday
July 16, 2004 Apathy and obsession - a new name for a band?

First things first:

CSI got freakin robbed in the Emmy nominations. It's nominated for best show, of course, but none of the actors are nominated! What's up with that!

And I just saw that they fired two of the main actors yesterday, George Eads and Jorja Fox! That hurts my brain.. if it's true, and if they don't ever come back, then Gil and Sarah will never really and truly get together! We'll just have 4 seasons of flirtation that got them both NOWHERE! THIS IS A TRAVESTY TOWARDS MAN!

Urrm, anyway. I have no life, as you can see.

In related news, I am proud to announce that I have written my first fanfic! I am so proud of myself. It's actually REALLY good, if I do say so myself. I think I'm actually improving as a writer, and I'm not ashamed to say that. BECAUSE IT'S TRUE! Muahahah. I'm trying to find a place to post it online but the chick I'm trying to send it to hasn't responded yet, which is sad.

Here's a paragraph from my work of art:

Sara went home once again feeling empty. She loved her work, but at the end of the day, the victim was still a corpse, still dead to the world, and they could never really get relief from knowing their killer was put away. She loved the science of the job, but she hated the reality of it.

As they tend to do, her thoughts turned to Gil.

She knew she was in love with him. She knew that through the years, this love had escalated into something that was bigger than both of them. Working side by side with him practically every single day was wearing on her.

For the most part, when she was at work, she could put her feelings aside and focus on the job at hand. But there were moments when they were standing so close, and she could smell him, and his fingers would brush her hand when he handed her something, and it was more than she could bear.

Yeah man! I'm good.

Oh, and one more thing to totally dork myself out: You know that whole six degrees of separation thing, where basically there's six people seperating you from a certain person? Well, I tried to connect myself with William Petersen because I had nothing better to do and because I'm a loser, and it was pretty easy! I started out with Nick Stahl, because as we all know, I have known Nick Stahl in my lifetime. Nick was in Disturbing Behavior with Katie Holmes. Katie Holmes was on Dawson's Creek with the chick who played Dawson's mom. Dawson's mom was on an episode of CSI! See how easy that is! Only 4 people in between us! TEE HEE!


On that front, this week I've noticed something about my new obsessions. In my last entry I said that I hate having these obsessions, that they drive me crazy, blah blah blah. I don't tink that's true. I think I thrive on them. I think they give me something to do, and I think if I really wanted to, I could get over it quickly.

Like, this week went by super fast because I actually had something to do! I watched tons of CSI reruns. I read recaps on Television Without Pity. I basically see and read everything there is to see and read on this site, which is a pretty comprehensive site about William Petersen. If I really wanted to stop this obsession in its tracks, I could have just NOT done any of that, and it would have been over in a matter of days. But instead I coddled it and held it to my bosom and raised it into a major addiction instead of just a little thing to keep me preoccupied from the world around me.

I know it's sad, but I guess that's just how my brain works at this point (and many other points, while we're at it). Obsessions just keep me going when there's nothing else to do. It's just a simple, sad fact about me.

In fact, if I have nothing else to do at work today, I'm going to make a whole page about past obsessions and make it into a sort of "Obsession of the week" thing and put it with the other links so that you can click on it and find out what my obsession of the week is! ISN'T THAT FUN?!



Meanwhile, in non-obsession land, I've become scarily apathetic to situations that used to tear me apart. I think I summed it up best in an email to my new fan (if you're reading this, MUAH!):

"now I'm kinda apathetic about situations that used to make me crazy. Which is not good, but at least I'm not having total and complete crying attacks that have me raising my fists in despair and exclaiming "WHY! WHY!" And yes, I really used to do that."

Oh, so Matt is going to College Station for the fourth year in a row... without me for the first time? Oh, that's nice, pass the mashed potatoes please.

I'm really not sure I'd have much of a reaction at all at this point if he said that he had met someone else and there was no hope for us.

I'm so apathetic in general, and right now, that's actually okay with me. Because I know that eventually things will change. Eventually, I will get a new job and have faith in myself and I won't have to spend entire weekends renting TV shows on DVD and eating Freebirds by myself. Just because I know things will change eventually, I continue these weird patterns that don't help anything because that's just what I'm used to and that's that. There's a word for this, I believe, and I believe that word is: APATHETIC.

Things that used to bother me and make me crazy and that would make me lie in the fetal position and cry all day.. they don't bother me so much anymore. This does worry me, but not so much that I'll do something huge about it.

And that's just my life right now. Hopefully someday I'll look back on this entry and shake my head, like I did with some of my older entries from three years ago. But right now.. I'm okay with my life. It's far from perfect and there's many things I need to change, and I will, eventually. But.. right now.. not so much. APATHETIC is the word for this.

Meanwhile, I have stuff to do this weekend. I'm going to the farm today to see my puppy dogs. Tomorrow night hopefully Ms. Ali-Kat will feel like coming over after working, because I really would like to hang out with her and watch Fear. HINT HINT TO CERTAIN ALI-KATS THAT MIGHT BE READING THIS! Fear has William Petersen in it and he's all shirtless and hot and such. And if anyone wants to get me this, I will sleep with you. So a social weekend is a good and productive weekend.

This is a really long entry.

I will leave you now with three pictures. The first is of Alf, the Golden Retreiver Puppy. He has been shaved and is doing his Yellow Lab impersonation. The second one is just of a fine looking man. The third one is of a man I like to call Axl, looking all kinds of strange with that weave he has going on. I will leave it to you to decide which picture is better!

*DROOOOLL* Look at those EYES! Good lord.


a year ago...

"I don't have any right to be bitching about all this because I want it. Time after time, person after person have all told me to move on, but I'm a dork and I'm stubborn and I'm not going to move on until my heart gets so utterly broken in two that there is no other option. Sounds like fun, eh?"

2 years ago..

"So, last night I had a dream that Pamela Anderson was giving me oral sex. Now, I'm sure this is a common dream among the male community, but it seems rather odd given that I am of the female persuasion. But that's okay, I mean, how many chicks can say that they got some from such a hottie?"

3 years ago..

"I want to fight for you. Because we aren't finished. We have so many things to experience together, still. We have so many feelings to be had, some good, and some bad. We still have goals to accomplish and movies to see and road trips to go on and houses to be built and dogs to be had and football games to go to and tacos to be made and hands to be held. I see you in my future."

back & forth random

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004