It's just tough right now, at this moment, on a Tuesday. To be here in Austin with this huge storm complete with thunder and lightening, looking for a job, feeling so empty and confused and just ready to cry at any second. I cried this morning when I watched The Practice because Lindsay and Bobby got eloped. That made me cry.

I miss him so much. He did answer the "I miss you" email but only by telling me more about some secret shopping thing he wants me to do. At the end he said "I miss you too." And then I answered him by saying maybe he should come visit me and do some secret shopping while he's here, and he hasn't answered that, and I'm just feeling sick to my stomach with how badly I want and miss him.

It's so retarded. I remember how I felt on Saturday.. I was happy, I was empowered, I was ready to stay here forever. And now I just feel like I'm falling apart again. I'm in a Work Force center and I'm typing this, which is just stupid and I should probably let some other soul who needs a job use this computer. What is wrong with me? This is really confusing me, and kicking my ass.

I don't know why I miss him anymore. Maybe I don't miss him, and I just expect myself to miss him, so I act like this. I mean.. it's almost been 7 months. That's a really long time, and guess what? I've managed to live without him for that long. I've built a little base for myself in Austin, without his help. But I just miss him.. I miss him so much. I wish I had him to hold me during this storm.. I wish I could wake up next to him and watch the storm.. I wish he didn't have a girlfriend. It hurts so bad that he has that girlfriend. I wish he needed me like I needed him. I wish he missed me like I missed him.

It's so crappy, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of missing him. I hate it. I don't want to do it anymore.

Okay, I'm finished now. I just had to get that out of my system.