Isn't it beautiful? I think I actually owned a shirt like that when I was 13 or so, but like most good things, it disappeared. But now it has come back. Now.. now it's home.

So tonight, I went to see Hildago with my mom and stepdad wearing my new GN'R shirt, blue jeans, and my brown Doc Marten boots. So basically I was wearing the same outfit I used to wear when I was 14. Which is either cute and charming or sad and pathetic. Or perhaps a little of all of the above.

I've been thinking about being in Dallas, and leaving Austin. Whereas when I was in Austin, I used to think about living in Dallas and leaving Austin. Such a change!

But seriously. I thought when I got back here I'd have a serious culture clash to contend with. I thought I'd go to the mall or to the movies or whatever and I'd ache for the simplicity that is Austin and not the conservativism that is Dallas. But that's not happening. It was more of a culture clash to be in Austin than it was to come back from Austin. I am comfortable here. I don't have a lot of threats to my comfort bubble. It was, quite frankly, a very easy adjustment to make. Because really.. I'm home. I'm where I've always really been, and where I never really left.

If that makes sense.

I do appreciate the life I managed to finangle for myself in Austin. While I was there, it was a question of survival. All those activities I planned for myself, the places I went, the friends I hung out with.. they were all carefully planned so I wouldn't go completely insane. I made a life for myself there. I had to completely start from the ground up and build a new life for myself. And yeah, I had issues. I never let myself move on from Matt, for one. I never really found a fulfilling job. But I made friends. I volunteered. I learned more about myself. I didn't give in under pressure. When it got hard out there, I didn't wuss out and come back to Dallas.

I can appreciate that.

And being in Dallas is different. For instance, before tonight, I hadn't seen a movie in almost a month. Movies were mandatory in Austin. I would see at least 1 a week, most of the time 2. It was a way to escape. Maybe I'm not trying to escape so much when I'm in Dallas. I don't know. But the movie thing is big. I miss Joey, though. I went to Blockbuster the other day and all the movies we saw together are starting to come out, and I really wished he could come here and be my movie buddy. He cried at the same time I did during Good Boy! That's a real friend.

And I used to fear the weekends in Austin. I'd fear Friday and Saturday nights because I'd always have to find something to do. Here, I don't worry about it so much anymore. There's always my mom or my dad's house. Sometimes, there's even Matt.

I didn't know quite what to expect when I got back with the whole Matt thing. I'm lucky if I see him even once a week now, but that's fine. I get it. I don't like it so much, but it's okay. It makes the time we do spend together that much better. I spent time with him on Thursday before he left for his road trip to New York, and it was fun. We did a little secret shopping, a little Tivo watching, a little nookie. On his part, anyway, since my monthly friend was currently visiting.

I am undertaking the process of watching the entire five seasons of Sex and the City that are out on DVD. So far I'm up to the middle of season 2. And something that Mr. Big told Carrie when she wanted to meet his mom and he wasn't ready for that.. he said, "We'll get there." And that struck me. I feel like that's where I am with Matt right now. We'll get there. We're not there right now, but if I'm patient, and if I get my life in order.. when I least expect it, something will happen, and there it is.

I know. I'm on crack. I can't help it.

But, Saturday Night Live is about to be on, so I must be going.

Rock on and such.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"I had a good day at work today, I think. I actually had crap to do at every single moment of the day.

Also, I was left alone by all the females. The boss was gone, her assistant left in the middle of the day, and so did the 1 other chick. So I was the only chick at the office today, I think. At least that's what the guys told me after the gang bang.

Eheheh. I amuse myself."

What was Liz doing 2 years ago?

"In 6th grade, I went to school with Nick Stahl. (You might know him from Terminator 3, but maybe not.) We all knew he was an aspiring actor, and all the girls had a crush on him. But I was not normal. I stalked him. I said really dumb things that I do not want to get into. They were immortalized in the yearbook. And my 3 best friends worked on the yearbook! And they still put it in! It's just too embarrasing to talk about.

And let's just say he didn't think it was very amusing. To put it simply, he thought I was a mentally retarded dumbass. And he never got over that. And now, 10 years later.. yes, 10 YEARS LATER!, I still have issues. I wish I hadn't fucked up like that. I feel like such a dork when I see his movies. He has this kick ass career in Oscar nominated movies and I can't get over the fact I was a dumbass to him when I was 12 years old."