You should see the sunset out here right now.. there's dark clouds and orange clouds and it's just so freakishly pretty it makes me want to vomit from all the prettyness.

I've been here 3 hours and I've already played a little badminton (which I played in high school in gym.. the only sport that I'm actually decent at, not that that's saying much really), gotten kissed by 2 dogs at the same time, got bird poop on my leg, ran after a horse that got away, and other assorted fun time things.

I am glad I'm here, and I'm glad I'm seeing Matt tomorrow, but I'm a little down, really. Today is the 15th, the day that Matt's woman's roommate is moving out, which was originally supposed to be the date that their relationship was supposed to get better since she didn't have to worry about helping plan her roommate's wedding anymore, which was big stress for her. Things are supposed to be all new and improved now. And he's idle right now, and I just have this big vision that he's like.. helping the roommate move with his big red Dodge Ram, or they're out having a romantic dinner somewhere laughing about how we're going to have some stupid lunch somewhere tomorrow.

I just wish I didn't know that they split up in the first place, so I could have had some more time to ponder them being together. I actually thought they were going to break up, and he was going to realize that he loves me more, but as the days go by, I see that's less and less of a reality. It's just a feeling I have, and reasonings I've made, and thoughts I've had. I'm really starting to think that we're never going to get back together. This thought is so scary to me that when I start to think about it, I push it away and try to think about something else.

And now I'm starting to ponder all the things we did together, and how I completely took them for granted.. like, I hated high school football, but when football season comes up and I'm not in the stands for the first time in 6 years, it's going to be sad. It's going to be depressing. It's not really the football itself that I'll miss.. it's just sharing in one of his big passions, and then going out and celebrating after a big win, and then going home and watching High School Extra with him and falling asleep in his big bed.

And the road trips.. I used to hate the road trips. But now I've been thinking about it.. packing up, hitting the road, waiting in the car while he went in and paid for a room at the hotel, watching TV and doing stuff in the hotel room, exploring the town we were in, bonding while we drove.. it was a whole package thing. I hated driving, and I always felt like we were too spoiled to be able to just go out on road trips whenever we felt like it, but the whole package makes me sad when I think about losing it.

I just really feel like we're never going to have that again.. it's occuring to me that he and this girl really might have something special, something that I am just not capable of understanding. Like he said.. he never had high highs and low lows with me, and he does with her.. and to me, I'd rather have a life based on what we had.. one of friendship and somewhat one of predictableness and sexuality and road trips, than one with surprises and intense emotions. That's just what I want. And I think in the end, that's what he wants too. But I have to let him come to that decision himself.

And I want to share this with him, tell him my fears and what I want and what I think he wants, but when I think about doing that, I reason with myself. I'm all like, "Will this help my case at all if I bring it up?" And most of the time I'm thinking no. I'm thinking it will do more harm than good because he wants me to see me getting my shit together without him, and that isn't really exemplary of such things. So I'm just going to keep it inside, and on the occasions that I do talk to him, I'm going to keep it simple and I'm not going to show him my cards. Because he's seen all my cards. He's memorized all my cards.

Blah.. sorry. I know it gets old, I know it's been almost 5 months, and I know I need to get over it, and I know I need to shut up about it, and I know you're getting tired of hearing about it, but he's my Mattiebear. And I want my life to be with him, going to hotels and football games and hating that he doesn't eat chicken.

Bah.

In other news, my dad bribed me again with my weight loss. He's done that ever since I was like 10 years old, and he hasn't changed. I hate when he does it, because it makes me actually work less at getting what I want because now there's pressure on me to get it. What did he bribe me with? A new car. Yes, if I get to be a size 8/10 by October, he'll give me a new car.

*sigh*

I want a new car, yes I do. And I want to be a size 8/10, yes I do. But bribing me like that has just never worked in the past, damnit!

Rawr.

I really have to pee.

All my old diaries are stored in a closet here at the farm, so maybe later I'll share a few entries with you guys. It'll be fun, I swear!