Before I really get started with this entry, I want to pledge my love for my legs. I don't know why, I guess they've been buried under my jeans for like 4 years, but they rock. They are like.. really good legs, and look even better now cuz they're so tan! My legs are the bestest. It's really nice to have something on my own body that I'm proud of. Yay legs! And yay boobs.

I just wasted 2 hours of my life by taking the National IQ test. I say "wasted" because I found out my score was 115, and that's what my score has pretty much always been. I'm right on target for Libras, who average 115. Rock on. Dallas is the 3rd smartest city. And actually, I feel like my IQ is a little lower now that I watched this whole show. Dr. Drew is the smartest person in the audience. Yay Dr. Drew! Woohoo. That rhymed.

I just made the best chocolate chip cookies of all time. Yummy is what I say. Also, for dinner I made a grilled turkey and cheese sandwich. And if you think I didn't enjoy the living crap out of that, you'd be wrong, friends.

Beware of monkeypox!

So, let's get to the point, and as Tom Petty says, let's roll another joint. Not really.

So as I told yall earlier, I haven't talked to Matt in 3 days and I haven't initiated conversation in 9 days, and I don't plan on initiating any time soon. Since I pretty much stopped talking to him on the last day of June, I decided that June will be free of initiation on my part.

I don't know how this will go, but so far it's going well. I don't know if he'll ask why I'm not talking to him anymore, or if he'll even care. I've been figuring out things I'd say if he asked, but the truth is.. I just don't know what to say to him anymore. He always seems to be busy when I talk to him, and whenever I write emails, they come out sounding really pathetic and desperate.

And I've been thinking about it lately... sometimes I'm just so angry and bitter that I don't care what he thinks. I get to thinking about some of the things he's done in this break up process, and some of the things that he did when we were together, and it pisses me off. It makes me feel stronger that I've had to go through this whole process. This process of waking up in the middle of the night in a panic (although I haven't done that in a really long time.. hey, that's progress), this process of crying like a crazed animal at the drop of a hat, this process of having every song in the world remind me of him. I wish he knew the pain that he has caused me this past 5 1/2 years that we've known each other. Sometimes, well a lot of the time, I wish he felt the same way. I wish that sometimes he's just overcome by loneliness, he's overcome by the feeling that maybe he'll never be happy again. Because I've felt that way before. And I hope he does too.

That's totally a tangent. But I'm not sorry. I hate him sometimes, I really do. I hate him for finding someone so quick after we broke up. I hate that that person is better suited for him than I am. I hate that she's thinner and smarter and probably a lot less socially retarded. I wish I could channel my pain to him sometimes, because sometimes I just think he fucking deserves it.

But I'm not sad about it, at least not right now. I just wanted to get that point across. I just wanted to make it clear that while I love him and frequently fantasize about getting back together, I wish he could feel the pain that I've been in. Because it hurts.

Anyway. My whole point in not initiating conversation, I have to confess, is not so much about "getting over him" than it is about a strategic plan to get him more interested in talking to me and eventually getting back together. Sad, sure. Pathetic, yes. But I want him back. And I've tried a lot of different methods through the 7 1/2 months to get his attention. God knows I've tried sexual ways. I tried talking to him every couple of days, I've tried long emails, I've tried the most desperate begging possible, and none of this has worked. So maybe just pretending he doesn't exist will work. Maybe he'll get scared that I don't need him anymore. Or maybe he'll just forget that I exist and he'll forget about me completely.

I wish something would happen. I wish we'd get back together, or I wish he'd tell me that he got engaged, or something. This limbo crap is stupid. And maybe it isn't even limbo anymore. Maybe he's just totally moved on. Maybe someday I'll accept that, but I don't see that happening any time soon. So I'll just continue what I'm doing, and pray that it helps me get through it.

Okay, me and my 115 IQ are going to shut up now. Have a good night, yo.