baby maybe someday
2003-03-29 Too much fun, that's my life.

Today I did 2 miles in 29 minutes, 45 seconds. That's a minute and 15 seconds faster than last time, yo. And I'm pretty sure when I started running, it used to take me like.. 40 minutes. But still.. I'm so hard on myself, I think I have to beat my record every time, and I still think 29 minutes isn't good enough. I want to get it down to 25 by next week, but good god! It's already near impossible to get to 29! But I rock. I can do it.

I went to see Basic tonight. Dizamn.. John Travolta is looking good, even with his fish face. Woowee! Hot stuff. But seriously.. if you see this movie, tell me what the fuck happened at the end. I must be stupid because I just didn't get it. At all. Stu-pid. Yes indeed.

In other news, why do I do this to myself? Why do I use a perfectly lovely Saturday as the most depressing day of the week? I could have done so many other things today.. I could have called my church friends, I could have gone to the gay bar with my brother tonight, I could have gone to a museum, but no. I did what I always do on Saturdays - I worked out, I went to a bookstore, and I went to a movie.

That's fine if you want to be alone every now and then, but I'm always alone. I need to put myself out there, show that I'm serious about this Austin thing. Instead I drove around Austin feeling like total and complete shit because I was alone.

And I know I'm being overdramatic.. I wasn't totally alone.. my mom called me like 3 times, my brother called, Chris called.. people call me, and people care about me, but I still feel like shit. I have to get over this.. I have to dust myself off and get back on to life, and just do it. Do what it takes to get the job done.

*sigh*

I feel slightly psychotic about the Matt thing. Instead of just thinking of him as a friend, I'm going totally in reverse. Like, I'm thinking about how, when we write our own wedding vows, I'm going to compare our relationship to a road trip. Because you know, he's all about the road trips.

HELLO! How can I marry someone that is currently in a relationship with someone else, and who doesn't even want to be with me? Why am I writing my wedding vows when in the back of my mind I pretty much know we're not getting back together! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!! This is so annoying.

I am hardly ever home anymore because I just can't face being here. It depresses me. And I want Matt to see that I have a life, I want him to see me be idle for 6, 8, 12 hours at a time. I don't even have him on my buddy list anymore for that reason.. so I won't have to see him idle.

I can't stand this. I want to think that he's on the outs with the girlfriend, but there's just no reason to think that. I want to think that just because he writes me emails before he goes to bed, I'm the last person he thinks of before he sleeps. I want to think that he's on the verge of breaking up with her because he can't stand not having me in his life. And there's just no reason to think that, and it's destroying me. Totally and desperately destroying me.

Anyway. Tomorrow I'm going to church and then I'm going to hang out with my brother. Not a lot of staying at home time there, which I'm grateful for, yes I am. My plans for next week goes as follows:

Sunday - Church, go through want ads in paper, make list of good jobs to look into, hang out with brother.

Monday - Follow up on jobs found in paper, look at more restaurants, look at some other jobs, blah blah blah. Later, go to the next First Steps group at church.

Tuesday - Get up early, go to job fair, be all hot looking and impressive and shit. Later, go to depression group.

Wednesday - Look for more jobs. Volunteer at night.

Thursday - Look for more jobs, hang out with church group.

Friday - Either have a job by now, or go to the farm and beg my dad for more money.

Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

Now I'm going to eat my flank steak and watch Return to Me. Sounds like too much fun, I know.

back & forth random
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