He really did a number on me.. all these months we've had since breaking up.. he's really screwed me up.

We go a week without talking a few days after he drops the bomb.. "I want to get my shit together. I think we need to take a break." Then he never initiates conversation. He never reaches out, he never tries to see how I'm doing. For 2 months this goes on.. he doesn't even care about the woman he spent 5 years with. He doesn't even care.

Then, he told me he had a girlfriend, he told me who it was, like it wouldn't totally destroy me and send me into my darkest days. Oh really? You dumped me for the perfect girl that you almost dumped me for 2 years ago? Greeattt. Thanks for letting me know.

Then, it turns out the perfect girl is not so perfect. She's a little crazy, even. She's so perfect that perfect is making her nuts. So he comes to me when she neglects him. He comes to me, telling me that he misses me, that he's sad and lonely and he wants someone to talk to, someone who knows him inside and out. For weeks, we talk until all hours of the morning.. 3:30, 4:30, 5:30.. we have cyber sex, we tell each other what would happen if we saw each other again.

Then, on a lonely Thursday, when I have cramps, he comes home one day, I ask him how he is. He says "I'm great!" Which of course means he saw her, and of course means they're happy again. Great. Lovely.

3 weeks or so pass by. I see him the day after Valentines Day. We have a nice lunch, a nice hug after lunch, and off we go. A week later, I message him about something inconsequential, and he comes back with "I think I've just been dumped."

What happens after that is a month of uncertainty. A month of wishing, hoping, and fucking praying that he would come back to me. That she would abandon him again, that he would realize it wasn't worth it and that he'd come back to me. He never said it wouldn't happen. He never said "No."

3 weeks into this month-long period, I see him again. For a few hours, we're in his car, cuddling, holding hands, sharing the kind of intimacy that is so hard to come by. I thought that was it.. I thought we were meant to be together. I thought he'd see that and come back to me.

A week after that, I see him again. I ask him, "So, how's the situation?" The situation is fine. The girlfriend wants him back. They are back together.

He is supportive of me.. he wrote me emails for 3 days in a row, telling me he missed me and he hopes that I'm doing well, letters of encouragement. And then I write him one, a pathetic one, and he writes back "I hope you don't regret anything."

I do. I do regret things. I regret not taking the advice that so many people have given me.. don't talk to him. Let your wounds heal, stay away from him, don't keep going to see him, just let it all sort itself out. I wouldn't listen, I wouldn't believe them even though they've all been through it. I would think, "He needs me. He needs someone to talk to, and I know him better than anyone. He needs me."

He doesn't need me. He's so far past me right now that it's not even funny. He went to a party on Saturday night (I'm pretty sure he didn't get laid or get in a fight, uh huh) and got totally drunk. He told me about that, and then there's pictures on his website. Pictures of him smiling, being drunk, hanging out with his friends. I bet he didn't think of me at all that night. I bet I didn't even cross his mind. On Saturday night, when I was so depressed that I just wanted to go to sleep. Saturday night.. when I went to bed at 9:30, woke up again at 11, and then went back to bed at 12:30. Because I didn't have anything else to do. Because my life is just that pathetic.

He's so far from me right now.. spirtually, mentally, emotionally, physically.. we're not on the same page anymore. He has so much going for him right now.. a job, school, a girlfriend, a house, a nice car, lots of friends, living in the same city he's lived in since he was 2 years old.. he's got it made right now. And he doesn't need an emotionally wacky ex-girlfriend. Sure, he'll give me encouragment and happy talk and he'll tell me how proud he is, but that's all he can give me. Nothing else.

And this girl.. I have to give it up. She's wonderful, I'm pretty sure. He hasn't complained about her at all since they've gotten back together, and I'm pretty sure she's trying really hard to get it back together. She's beautiful, a little tiny blond. She's smart, getting a PHD in psychology. She's social, impressing all his friends. She's mature, unlike me, and I'm sure that's something refreshing for him. She has everything I don't. What I can offer him is complete adoration, childish hopes for the future, a body in which to have crazy nookie every night, a semi-rich father, and the knowledge that I will be here forever if he wanted me to be. That's not enough. Maturity, class, intelligence.. that's enough. Even if she is a busy person, even if she can't give him the time that I do.

It's time. It's time to throw my hands in the air and say "You win." Everyone wins. I won't talk to him anymore. I don't know if he'll talk to me, but it's looking like there's no real reason to anymore. He has it together. He has the life he's always wanted, and it's probably only going to get better. Even if we do get back together, which is not really a flattering possibility right now, it's not going to be soon. At all. And I need to accept that and move on.

He made me think there was hope. He played with my emotions. And even if he doesn't see it that way.. even if he thinks I should keep my hopes up because of what "might" happen in the future, he did it.. he screwed me over. I have to see this, I have to take note of it, and I have to move on. No more random emails, no more random IM's, no more random phone calls. It's over. I have to do this for my sanity.

So, it's day 1. We'll see how it goes. I'm not going to tell him I'm doing this.. I'm just going to see if he gives a shit.

It's so hard. You know? It's just so hard.