Maybe I'll be like that someday. Maybe I won't dread getting out of bed, entering the day of sun anxiously, happily, excitedly. But for now, I'm not. I'm just not.

It's another one of those days where I don't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone, or go anywhere, or see anything, or really do much of anything. I did do the one thing that I look forward to everday: I worked out. For almost two hours. My arms are still doing that shaking thing that they do after I give them a good work out. I like that.

But today.. it's just one of those days. A day where I walk around with my eyes on the ground, walking really slowly, nowhere to go and not in a hurry to get there. I woke up too late to go to church, even the 12:00 service. I went to bed at 4 after having an argument with Matt. But we'll get to that later.

I just want this point in my life to be over. I feel stuck. I feel stuck with my job situation and my relationship situation and with everything around me. Maybe the pills will help this out, but they haven't yet. I did go almost 2 weeks without having a total meltdown, but that ended last night around 3 AM when I had to go outside and sit by the pool so I wouldn't wake up my neighbor with my pathetic crying.

4 months. 4 long long months to live in this city. Austin, the city that I love, the city where I used to feel like I belong, the city where I'm too much of a coward to really go out and enjoy. This is my dream city, yet I feel worse here than I've ever felt before. I'm wasting my time here. When I look back on my year here, I'm going to feel more dissapointment than anything else. Maybe relief, too. Relief that that part of my life is over. Completely over.

Matt and I had a little bit of a fight last night. Pretty much the exact same fight we've been having for 6 years now. I mean.. it's pointless. We both know things aren't going to change, but we still participate in this fight. I don't know why I'm still doing this with him. I see a future with him, but our present is so frightfully bad that maybe it's just time to move on.

But what's moving on? I don't want to start anything with anyone here. I don't want to date. I have too many insecurities, too many worries to believe that I am worthy for a non co-dependent relationship. When someone let on that they might want something more from me a few weeks ago, I panicked because I hadn't seen it coming, didn't know that anyone would want something like that from me while I was in my most fucked up state of being in a long, long time. I'm not ready for that. I just want Matt.

Two people told me yesterday that I was using Matt as a crutch, including Matt himself. Maybe I am. Maybe someday I'll wake up and realize that my self-esteem comes from me, not a 25 year old perpetual student who has never given me what I actually really want from him. Maybe someday I'll wake up and realize that I am my own person, I am capable of making myself happy, and I don't need him. If he's along, that's great. If he's not, too bad for him. His loss. He loses out on someone who has complete and total faith in him, someone who has seen him in his ups and downs and highs and lows and mistakes and failures and accomplishments and has loved him through every minute of it.

But for now, I depend on him to make me smile. And he hasn't been doing much of that lately, for a reason. He wants me to make myself smile. He doesn't want the responsibility of being the sole person in charge of my happiness. Yes, I understand that, but it still hurts. It still burns. I just wish I had someone that was holding my hand, telling me what I need to do, kicking my ass, rubbing my back, giving me confidence. But I've had that, and I fucked it up, and now it's my turn to do it myself. I just have to figure out how.

I'll get over this fight like I've gotten over all the rest of them. I'll think about it, make myself sick about it, worry about it, and then I'll move on. Someday I will be happy, with or without him. In February, we'll see how things go. We'll see if we can come back together the way we were before, when we were happy, when we made each other laugh and when we held hands and when he wanted to be with me and when I supported him through the bad times. Maybe it'll happen. And.. maybe it won't. The uncertainty of this scenario makes me want to scream.

I want to be happy on sunny days. I want to have feelings of accomplishment, not feelings of utter and complete failure. I'm going to be 24 years old in 2 weeks, and there's so many things I have left to accomplish in my life, and I have no idea how to do it. And nobody is going to show me how. And I have to start learning how to deal with that, because I've never had to in the past.

Well, that was fun, wasn't it?

In other news, that 3 hour long special on MTV last night made me totally fall in love with Fred Durst. I even ordered Limp Bizkit's new album on Amazon. I never thought the day would come that I would order a Limp Bizkit album. I am ashamed yet stimulated at the same time. I think it'll be a good album to work out to.

Anyway.. I'm done here. I think I'm going to go for a nice long drive through the lovely rolling hills of Austin. Yay.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"OOOOHHH.. good god almighty! I just watched the part where Axl was on the 100 sexiest artists of all time, and holy shit.. that was the best 5 minutes of TV that I've ever seen in my life. Lonn Friend (he was a regular staple on Headbanger's Ball and editor of RIP magazine, one of my favorites back in the day) said "Till this day, women still dream of Axl Rose coming to their town and taking them away." I so totally identified with that. True that, Lonn, true that. BB just farted in his sleep. It was really quite moving."

What was Liz doing 2 years ago?

"I was watching the greatness of Conan tonight and Slash was on!! It was some little tiny thing about random rock star thingies, but he said funny stuff! Like, "Once I asked Axl why he left the e off his name, and he started crying because he didn't know it was supposed to be there." Oh Slash, how I love you. Now go rejoin the band, you'll never do much without Axl. "