I was so proud.. I hadn't had a breakdown in almost 2 weeks. I was doing well with Matt.. we were having lovely little civilized chats, and I thought it was all okay between us. I thought I actually might have a shot.

But then I wrote that email yesterday, and while I was at my brothers, it just got built up and up and up that by the time I got home last night, it was ready to explode. I knew I had totally blown it with the email. Not like last week's email, which only came after 6 days of not talking and proved that I was moving on. This one proved that I was taking a step back. This one proved that I was not ready for him to come back in my life the way I want him to.

And then we talked, and then he mentioned HER, and that's when I had the breakdown. That's when I totally blew it for sure. 2 weeks of composure, 2 weeks of building up some pride in my appearance and my social life and everything else.. totally blown. And this morning I wake up, and what do I do? It takes about an hour after I wake up to hit me, but then it happens - another breakdown. Another crying fit. Another time to feel so completely sorry for myself that I just almost want to die.

It's worse this time. I should be doing so much better by now. I should have it together by now. These 2 weeks have been really productive, even if I haven't found a job by now. I've made some friends, done a lot of stuff.. and now all of that is erased by just one email, one conversation where he mentions her name.

I know the longer I take to get my shit together, the longer it'll take to get back together, if we actually do. I know that, and yet I insist on having these horrible breakdowns. Why do I do this? I was on a role! I was kicking ass, and then this happens. Why? Why did this happen? I just don't understand. I feel like it's such a setback, like I have to start all over again. 2 weeks of composure and progress, all gone.

I hate it here. I don't know if I'd like it much at home, either. I don't know what I want.. I'm so scared. I wish I had him.. I wish he could hold me and tell me that it's going to be okay. But he can't, he's doing that for someone else.

I sunk really low last night. I think I got him off again. I told him about my fantasies, and he seemed to enjoy that. Like my fantasies are going to suddenly make him want me back. There I go, trying to use sex as a bargaining tool again. Progress? No. I haven't made any progress. I'm still crying like a little girl, and I don't know what else to do anymore. I'm a failure, to everyone, and to most of all.. myself.

I don't know what do to do anymore.