baby maybe someday
2003-02-10 Near suicidal is no fun.

*burp*

My 4th entry for today..

I dunno. I just need to get it together. I went to the place where I really wanted the job and I talked to the owner, but she really didn't seem too enthusiastic about hiring someone with no retail experience. Before I even left the store I started crying. (Not in front of her or anything, let's not be silly.) I cried the 20 minutes home, I called my mom and cried to her. Through my tears, I IMed Matt because it seemed like he was the only person who I could possibly talk to right now about this stuff. The only person who knows me well enough to calm me down.

And you know what? He did. And he didn't say anything that would lead me to believe that we have a future together any time soon, so don't think that's what made me feel better. His girlfriend is still pissing him off, but that's not the point. Even if he does break up with her, he'll just find someone else, and it won't be me, at least not in the next 6 months. Probably more than that, I dunno. But he said he's happy. He said he's finally picking up the pieces and moving on, and by me not doing that as well, I'm "devaluing the relationship." Well, it made since to me, anyway.

But he calmed me down. He made me stop crying. And something else might trigger it, but for now I'm okay. I'm thinking of asking Kyle the personal trainer to hang out with me sometime just because he's nice to me and I want a new friend.

And I talked to my dad.. I guess my mom called him and told him I was sobbing my guts out, so he called and made me feel better too. I really wish that I could get some kind of job soon so I can feel good about myself, so I can have some kind of base to build on, to make things better for myself. So I don't have to depend on a male (Matt, my dad, Kyle the personal trainer) to make me feel better about myself.

I am really fucked up right now. But I'm just homesick. Hopefully going to Dallas on Friday will help that. I am going to see Matt, I'm pretty sure. I think we might do some secret shopping or some shit. And I get to see my puppy man, one Mr. Charlie. I can't wait to see him.. I hope he's not too mad at me.

Anyway.. I'm going to lie down for a few mintues and try to get myself together. This crying all day thing really isn't all that fun. I wouldn't reccomend it to anyone, really. I was feeling slightly suicidal today, but I think I'm over the worst part of it.. and I'm not really a suicidal person anyway, mainly because I have a strong belief that things will get better, and that I will be happier. I mean, things can't really suck much more than this, right?

Well, they can. I don't want to jinx it.

Anyway. Shutting up now.

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