baby maybe someday
2003-03-23 I am not boobs.

I think I have learned several valuable things over the last couple of days. Good things to learn, really. I would like to share them with you now.

1. I don't think Matt and I are ever going to get back together. Here are a few reasons why:

a. I seem to have forgotten, in my big fight for his love, that we still have nothing to do and we still have nothing to talk about when we get together. Yesterday we talked online for 2 hours about the stuff we could possibly do, and he pretty much flat out admitted he'd rather stay home, study, and watch March Madness than have to force a conversation with me doing things he really didn't want to do. Well, great. That's nice to know. It's just that we know each other's stories, we know everything about each other, and we talk online a lot. So there's just not much else to talk about anymore. Sad, yes.

b. When we did hang out, it was bad. I stupid asked about the girlfriend within seconds of getting in the car, and that set the pace for the rest of the evening, pretty much. Apparently there has been girlfriend activity as of late, and apparently it has been good girlfriend activity. Apparently I am screwed, and my stupid getting back together fantasies are just that - fantasies.

c. He doesn't want to be with the me that I am today. That's just true, and there's no getting around that. I feel that if he loved me and believed in me, he'd see that I am capable of getting my shit together, and he'd want to be with me because of that. He doesn't see it that way. Just another thing on the long list of things we disagree on.

d. However, I do take pride in the fact that I totally kicked his ass. We went back to his house to look up a movie online (he didn't trust Mr. Movie Phone, apparently) and we played our version of Royal Rumble. This is where we wrestle until we are able to throw the other person off the bed, and then we win. Obviously this game in the past has been in his favor most of the time, as he has always been about 200 pounds more than me. Within minutes he'd make my ass fall off the bed. However, last night was a 30 minute battle that had me as the winner. He was so surprised he almost had a heart attack, I think. Little Lizzie is turning into a strong healthy Lizzie that can kick his wimpy little ass! I know he was impressed.

Can I get a what what?

e. I dunno. I don't really think that not talking to him is the answer. He doesn't want me to not talk to him.. he doesn't think that's the answer. He is a good friend, and I want to keep in contact with him. I just have to adjust my feelings and stop having my fantasies. And I have to stop fighting for him. Because it's just not working.

f. And besides.. do I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who I don't agree with on a lot of big issues, who didn't love me the way I wanted him to when I was at my lowest point, who found someone else to love so quickly after we were over? I'm just going to get it over with and say no on that point.

But, it's official. Wanting someone to feel something for you that they just can't, or won't, is officially the worst feeling in the whole world. Maybe not as bad as being mauled by a lion, but pretty fucking bad.

Anyway, let's move on.

2. I take everything way too seriously. I take myself way too seriously. I went to a psychiatrist when I was 16, and he pretty much straight out told me, "You don't have problems. You don't need help." And I was like.. mortally wounded from that! It pissed me off! What do you mean, I don't need help? Of course I need help! I'm a fucking mess!

But really. I'm such a lucky person in the whole scheme of things. I get to start over in Austin, and even if I don't find the world's greatest and high paying job there, at least I had the courage to move to a new place and think that I could have something different with my life.

I still have an apartment, and if I was out of the job for a long period of time, I won't lose it. My dad will help, my mom will help. I am not going to be homeless. I may not be able to rent porn for a few months, but we all have to make our sacrafices, right?

I just make too big of a deal out of things. I'm a smart person, I'm getting hotter every single day, and I can do this. I can make it without Matt.. it's been 5 months and I'm perfectly capable of making it without him by my side. I don't know if anything would be better if we did maintain a long distance relationship.. it would make some weekends more fun and I'd get some of this sexual frustration out of me (wowweee.. wrestling is like one of the sexiest things ever.. he had this massive erection last night while we were wrestling, and I just wanted to pin him down and do dirty things.. mmmm...dirty wrestling..), but really, would it change anything about my life?

I'm just going to go ahead and say no to that.

3. When boys say it's over, it's over. They move on so friggin easily. When I look over the boys in my life, I see that once they made the decision that it was over, they never really looked back. WHAT IS THAT?! How can they move on so fucking easily? 5 years, and then barely a month later there's the next girl all lined up. I know that with him, it was a special situation.. it would be like if Ryan suddenly came back into my life.. it was one of those "the one who got away" kind of deals and he had to do it. But still! How can they just switch their feelings like that? How can they just turn it off for you and turn it on to someone else so fucking easy? Guhh. Boys suck.

4. I really need to start dating. Not to get into a long relationship or a sexual relationship, but just to start dating people. Matt is just one person. He doesn't offer me the things I really want right now. He can't. And he won't. And there's so many other boys out there right now who can, and will. I just have to find them, and forget about Matt long enough to see that he's not the only person in the world that I'm ever going to love.

5. I'm going to be positive from now on. When I think of Matt, I'm going to think of him in a friend role. Well, I'm going to try. Or I'm going to pray about it, or I'm going to think about improving my life without him. I can't think about us getting back together, because it's just not going to happen at any point in the near future. Probably not in the next 4 months, anyway. Probably never. You know? That's what I have to think. I have to think that we're never going to get back together or else I'm just going to go completely insane.

He did say that if his girlfriend knew how cuddly and intimate we had been, she would definitely not approve. I can't take any comfort in that because he was doing the same thing with her a few years ago when we were together, except he wanted to be with her that time and probably hated the fact that he was with me. So it's different. And not fun to think about.

6. I am happy that I can go find a cool job tomorrow. No more secretarial/office bitch bullshit. That's not for me. It was never for me. I was a secretary when I was 16, and they're probably still looking for the files I misplaced over there. Sorry about that!

7. I have eaten shit these past 2 weeks, and I have still lost weight. Yay for that!

8. I think I can honestly say that Hardcore March was a bust. Hardcore March was a good start, but I have to look at life as Hardcore Life. Hardcore 2003. Hardcore Elizabeth. I have to start looking at things differently if I ever want to get out of this rut of mine.

9. I really need to get on track with God and spirituality. I need to put my trust and love into something other than boys or movies or music.. I need a higher being. And I think I finally need to just do it.. just do what I need to do and be a better person because of it.

10. One last thing.. I am more than a pair of boobs. I am not just a body that can control the destiny of a relationship. Somehow I thought that if I ooze sexuality, Matt would fall, and he would fall hard. Maybe he'd be hard, but he's not going to fall just because I have nice tits. I've seen him a total of 6 times since we broke up, every single time he's had this girlfriend, and every single time he refused to do things with me. My boobs are not powerful. In fact, now that I'm losing weight, they're getting smaller!

But the point is.. I am more than that. And if he doesn't like my insides, my outsides are not going to tempt him into anything but maybe a quickie in the bedroom, and even that would be over in a few minutes and I'd leave feeling a little bit whorish. So yeah. Boobs are good, but not that good.

11. I need self esteem. I would go in depth on this subject, but this entry is already way long so I'll hold off on it for now. I know you're all breathing a sigh of relief.

I'm finished now. I know this was long, but I've been learning a lot about myself, and I had to get it all out.

Matt called me last night after I had gotten back to my mom's house, just to say that he was thinking about me and to see if I was okay. That's a nice friendly thing to do, and it made me happy to know that I have a friend like that. That's all. A friend. Who was checking up on me. That's all.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"But In the Bedroom was long and a little boring. Especially after Nick Stahl died. Then I just lost interest.

If you don't know about my shady Nick Stahl past, you can go back and read about it here. Scroll down a bit and such.

Anyway, I was thinking about it today while I was standing in line for this movie (the theater was completely full! Gah, I hate that.) and I think I figured it out. I am so bitter towards him and all his success because he was really the first (and not the last at all) boy to really reject me. Like, flat out hardcore rejection. I was just a 12 year old girl who was in love with the new actor boy at our school! My ex best friend got to date him for a little while. God, I was so jealous of her. Unbeliavably jealous."



back & forth random
recently...

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