We'll never go shopping together again. He won't ask me to get the onions and tomatoes, and then I won't get to unlock the door with my key while he takes every single bag in on one trip.

I'll never get to open the blinds again when it's raining so we can watch the lightening together.

We'll never go visit his mom again, which I guess is a good thing. His mom never really liked me anyway. But it was so convenient.. both of our parents have farms in East Texas, 30 minutes from each other. We'd make a whole day out of it, visiting our parents together. Now he'll be visiting his mom with her. The perfect girlfriend. The one his mom is probably orgasming over. When we last saw each other, I said "I bet your mom is happy now," and he got this goofy smile on his face and said, "Yeah, she is." That made me feel great. Of course, he was slightly drunk at the time, but that didn't make it any better.

Why haven't I stopped crying yet? Surely it's time that I stopped. Almost 2 1/2 months later and I should be back to normal now, happy and free and working on my new life. And I keep beating him down about it, like he can do something about it. There is NOTHING he can do about it.. he has a girlfriend, and even if he dumped her or whatever, I still have 7 months or even more than that left in Austin. He's not going to move here. I can't put my life on hold for him while I'm here.. so it's just this big circle of crap.

And he said probably half my tears probably aren't about him, it's about me being lonely. And I am lonely, that's true.. right now it's just me, my candles, and my DVD player. I don't know how to make friends yet. I don't know how to dive in and do whatever it takes to meet people. I went to church yesterday and signed up for everything I could, but that takes time. I can't expect a shower of people to come knocking on my door all of a sudden.

I just have to take a break from him. I have to take him off my buddy list, stop thinking about what will happen when I get home, and start thinking about now. How I'm going to make money, how I'm going to make something for myself. I miss him so much.. I think about kissing him again and touching him again, and I wonder why I can't just let go.. it was just a guy. Just a relationship that I had for 5 years, it's not something that's going to take over my life forever. In the grand scheme of things, it's not that important.

Except that's a lie and I know it and everyone knows it.

I don't know. I'm gonna go to sleep now, and hopefully when I wake up, I'll be like when Angela suddenly woke up in the morning and decided she was over Jordan. Except my best friend won't sleep with him in this scenario. Right, right.

I'm tired of crying. He isn't crying. He has another chick waiting there for him, who would probably do anything for him. And she lives there, in the same city, and she's what he wants. I'm 200 miles away, crying, and not what he wants.

It's just not fair.