Here is a convenient list:

1. Sometimes I really don't even surprise myself anymore. I'm just way too predictable, and I wish I wasn't, I wish for once I could surprise myself and do the right thing, but it's like I'm not capable of doing that.

At work, I am still in the training area of life. I still have people helping me all the time, I still have to ask a million questions a day. That would be okay if half the class hasn't already moved on to "the real world" of the call center, where they don't get as much help and have to suck it up and do it on their own.

I knew when I first started that I was going to have a hard time catching on, and that I would probably stay back when everyone else moved on. I just hate that. I wish that, for once, I could prove myself wrong. And I have not been able to do that, not at all. And that sucks ass.

2. Which brings us to this point.. I think what I have going on in my life right now is just a band-aid for the real problems. It's like a pacifier. I wanted Matt back, and now I have him back in some capacity. I wanted a job, I have a job. And for those 2 reasons, I'm pretty happy. But what if I lost the job? What if Matt called me today and said, "Ooh, sorry, me and The Girl are back together!" I wouldn't be so happy then. I would be flat out depressed in a major way.

And that's a problem. If I'm not fixing the problems we had in our relationship before we broke up, once I come back in February I'm going to have to face a cold reality - we aren't going to get back together if I haven't fixed any of the problems that kept us apart in the first place.

I need to fix this band-aid, but I don't know how. And I worry that I do know how but I'm not doing it. I want to do it.. I want to move on and fix the problems, but it's just hard. Bah.

Anyway.

3. I saw Bad Boys on Sunday. I know I wasn't supposed to like it because it was cheesy and 2 1/2 hours long and they said "fuck" about 360 times, but I loved it. Will Smith rocks my hizhouse, mmmkay?

4. I think I got all of my horniness out of me this weekend. I haven't wacked it all week, and I haven't had any orgasms since we got it on on Saturday morning. That's like.. a record or something. I haven't even had the urge to view some porn! It's simply amazing what getting some can do for a girl.

5. I really need to take a shower now.