It's the sound of me getting a total of 2 hours of sleep, and then having to go to work in 2 hours, role play, take a test, and try to remain functional for a whole 9 hours.

And I don't even know if it was worth it.

So, okay. Matt calls me, I talk to him online for a few hours. Then we talk on the phone for another hour. And I'm still not sure what's going on here. He got cheated on, he got dumped, karma nailed his ass, and that's how it is.

So here's the part we're all dreading and holding our breath for -

Yes, we are talking about getting back together. We're talking about taking a chance that maybe an 8 month long distance relationship will work. We're talking about it. We're entertaining the thought. And really the ball is in my court.

I didn't just sit here and say, "Oh, that's great sweetie, I'll be here if you want me to." That quiet anger thing I was talking about? It's not so quiet anymore. He got torn a new asshole. I said a lot of things I've really been waiting to say for quite some time.

And he laid this bombshell on me, too: he and the girlfriend had been together basically since last fucking July. They weren't serious, but that's why he broke up with me. He lied to me. He said he was breaking up with me so we could get our shit together. For the last 8 months I've been thinking that I wasn't good enough because that's what he said when he broke up with me, but really.. it was all about her.

I refuse to compete with her, and he knows this. I won't. If he even thinks there's a chance they'll get back together, I don't want any part of this. It's not like last time where I just blindly stood by and watched while he got back together with her. That's not going to happen, and I'm not going to let it.

But there's this feeling that is sinking over me, that I know I'm going to have for a long time.. am I betraying myself by getting back together with him? That's a big question that I'm going to have to come to terms with.

I don't know.. and he's saying there's a "greater than zero" chance that he'll come here this weekend, so now I have to deal with that today while I'm operating on no sleep at work.

Fuck. I'm not going to make this easy for him, and he really isn't too fond of the whole 8 month long distance thing. And I'm really not happy about the whole having another chick on the side thing either. There's a lot of stuff we have to work out. And even though I know that I'm going to give it a shot, I wonder if it's worth it. It's what I've wanted for so long, but is it worth it? Is it worth only seeing each other twice a month, is it worth trying to get him back in my family again, is it worth knowing that if we make it past this 8 months alive, we'll probably get married?

I hope it is worth it. Because if he's going to give it a shot, I am too. But there's no guarantees. I don't know what's going to happen.

I hope he does come here this weekend, though. I'm hornier than a whore in church.

I need you guy's support, though. I know what I'm doing here might be a little insane, but it's another chance for us, maybe. If we can survive the next 8 months, I think we'll be okay. And if we don't, at least I'll be able to finally move on. At least I'll be able to know that we really aren't meant to be. And to me, that's totally worth it. And oh yeah, happy Friday the 13th. How appropriate.

Here's a few highlights from the conversation:

Matt: I miss you so much.. talking to you feels like coming home..

*****

Matt: I can't condone the behavior. I wish I could. I really really wish I could. But you are 110% right. But it's the past, I wish I could go back and change it, but I can't.

Matt: And you have gone through so much hell.

Matt: And it's all my fault.

Matt: And I'm sure you will say I can't even begin to comprehend.

Matt: And you are right.. I think I can..

Matt: But I probably can't..

Matt: I know how devoted you were to me..

Matt: I know how passionate you were for me..

Matt: And I used it.. I took it for granted and I used it.

Matt: And I am a jerk for it.

Matt: This is an ultimate irony..

Matt: Everything I wanted in a girl that you didn't have, she had..

Matt: But as I got to know her better... I found out, that's all she had.

Matt: And I suppose that's nice.. real fucking nice..

Matt: That I would realize that after I break your heart and possibly come graveling back to you.. after lying to you.

Matt: I made a mistake.

Matt: I made several mistakes.

Matt: I shouldn't diminish that.

Matt: I accept full responsibility.

*****

Head.. exploding