baby maybe someday
September 16, 2004 The longest entry... of ALL TIME!

To all you hurricane people: I feel really, really bad for you guys! That's just a clusterfuck, isn't it! We just have tornados here and we're all used to that. Hurricanes are MEAN!

I have decided that it's entirely necessary that I go to Austin this weekend. I just got an evite from one of my Austin friends for her engagement party. So, I'm going.

I don't really like to talk about my complete lack of a social life, but it's there. I frequently dread weekends because I know I have to fill them with exciting weekend action. What this usually entails: Movie. Bookstore. Sometimes farm. Always some kind of parent adventure. Maybe once in a blue moon I'll have some kind of nugget of social life (thank you, Ali-Kat), but that's rare.

So it's actually kind of sad that I have more of a social life in Austin than I do here. I'm really excited about going there on Saturday. I'm even more excited that at this point, I'm totally capable of making a quick decision like that in mere minutes, without having to consider any other factors. I don't have to ask my parents or Matt or my job or anything, I can just take off and go. I asked me brother if I could stay with him, he's fine with that. Good times, people. That's some good times. I'm also happy for the chick who got engaged. She's been with the dude for many years now, so basically it's about time.

What else is good times is this bunny right here:

This, I have decided, is Bob. He has been in our lives for over a week now, and I have grown quite attached to him. Even if he did poop in my hand this morning. He was all, "Good morning, Elizabeth! I will poop on you now." But it was just this tiny fleck of black stuff, so it wasn't that bad. Our new favorite office activity is to put him on the floor and watch him run around.

I'd like you guys to join me in saying goodbye, AGAIN, to My-Reviews. I just got tired of reviewing shitty gothy girl diaries.

In more dramatic news, it would seem like many things in my life are up in the air at the moment. It seems as though Donna and my dad have "called it quits" although since they've done that about 11 times in 3 years, who really knows. It does seem a little scarier this time. Dramatic Donna put her house on the market because my dad has money in it and she apparently wants to give him all his money back or something.

This bothers me a lot. I really like Donna. I really like my dad and Donna together. It makes me feel all unsettled. I fear change. And as one of my co-workers said, "It's going to get much worse before it gets better."

Also in that category, my lease is over in November and I kinda asked my roommate last night if she's going to want to renew it, and she said if she gets a promotion at work she's going to want to get her own house, or an apartment that's closer to a dog park. That makes me sad. I really feel like this living arrangement I have right now is pretty close to being perfect for me, and plus, I really dig my roommate. Bah. It looks like will be getting paid a visit soon.

And we're also moving the office to Mesquite, in a location that's about 20 minutes further for me to drive. So, it'll take close to 45 mintues for my commute, and that's just scary. Seriously. I don't want that.

So that's just another reason to get a new job. Oh, thanks, great idea! Why didn't I think of that before?

I said to my roommate yesterday, "I'm SOOO tired of looking for a job!" And she was all, "I know! How long has it been? A year?"

No. It's almost been two years. I graduated almost 2 years ago.

Which brings me to entirely another topic that I would like to expound upon. You know me, always expounding.

I really feel like it's time to get a new diary because I'm such a different person than I was when I started this thing. I see entries like this and this and this, I just don't even really recognize that person anymore. And I'm so, so glad that I'm entirely capable of GETTING OVER things. Like, with Matt. We don't have much of anything going on right now, and that doesn't bother me. At all. In the slightest. While I might have a bit of a breakdown if we ever OFFICIALLY end it, it would NOT be on the grand scale my last one was on, at all. You know why? Because I've lived through it. I've been there. And I survived. I know what it's like without him, and it's not as bad as I used to imagine.

It's so weird to me that I used to spend every weekend at his house, and share in all his activities. I get to see him so rarely these days, and to think about the way we used to be is more weird than sad. I know someday we'll either end it or we won't. And that's okay with me, because I know I have a lot of shit I need to work on before I become as desirable as I think I need to be to put myself back out there. I haven't been "out there" since high school, so it's just a teeny bit scary.

I remember those feelings, though. I remember the breakdowns. And maybe it's not that I've moved on so much as I've learned to deal with it, you know? Because my life is not so much entirely better than it was then. It's just different. And I've found ways to deal with it. And I won't ever allow myself to return to that place.

A perfect example of this is from exactly a year ago...

"And, oh great.. now I'm crying again. It's 9:15 on a Tuesday and I'm crying just like it's fucking 8 months ago all over again. I thought I had moved on.. I thought I had grown.. I thought I had made it through this. And to see myself crying like this right now breaks my heart."

It almost makes me really regret not writing a novel when I was in Austin, because everybody feels that desperate and lonely and crazy at least once in their lives, and I know at least some people want to read about it in other people. And while I can still, of course, write about it.. the whole beauty that comes from total and complete heartbreak is kinda gone now. It's still there, but it's buried way back in the bottom of my heart, and that's where I want to keep it.

Dramatic enough?

Anyway, tonight is awesome TV night. We have Joey, we have The Apprentice, we have last year's season finale of CSI (which I still haven't seen), and you know, good times. Next week is the season premiere of CSI, and you are right if you think that excites my pants.

This was a long entry, but well worth it, at least for my brain. Also, as we visit me from 3 years ago, we have my seemingly first introduction to Farm Guy. Check it out! It's worth it.


a year ago..

"He was cute. But I have my own issues right now. Of course, if I were a more assertive kinda gal, I would have given him my number or something and we could do something about his girl problem. But that didn't happen. And now he's just the boy I met at Barnes and Noble."

2 years ago..

"Speaking of Duff, he and Slash and Matt Sorum, former GN'R drummer, have formed some kind of supergroup. I even saw this on freakin CNN last night! It's big news, apparently. I wish them the best.. they don't have a singer yet but they're looking. Someone mentioned Sebastian Bach. Man, I would be all over that. Anyway."

3 years..

"At my dad's farm yesterday, he was talking to one of the people that works there, and wow, if you ever had a stereotype of a typical Texan, this would be the guy. He has the biggest accent I've ever heard, he has to have his wages garnished for child support, he's "moving his house" (a trailer, I assume.. duh, right?) next week, he was wearing his cowboy boots,+ his best friend is in jail and he works on a farm. The only thing that would have made it complete was if he had a cowboy hat on, which, unfortunately, he didn't."

back & forth random

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004