|baby maybe someday|
Oh man! How much do I love Metal Mania on Classic VH1! It's like the Headbangers Ball of the early 90's! They played all these awesome songs, including Youth Gone Wild by Skid Row. Kind of a cheesy song, but holy lord do I love me some Sebastian Bach. AND! And they played Don't Cry! I got so orgasmically excited that it just wasn't pretty.
Anyway. I am at my mom's as she has returned from Utah. While I was poking around on the computer, I found the story I wrote for Nanowrimo last year. And you know what? It's really not that bad. It's actually really good, except for the last part that was written in a fit of desperation to finally get it done. I was really impressed with myself.
Also, I found this letter I wrote to Matt on December 30th, 2002. This was 2 months after we broke up, and just 3 days before I moved to Austin. Translation: this was not a good time in my life.
I want to share this letter with you because it's just so heartbreaking to me. I think it describes everything I was going through at the time perfectly. I'm glad I saved it because whenever I think I haven't changed in the past few years, I can look at that and know that I absolutely have. Maybe not in the ways that I truly want to, and not as much, but I have.
I just feel sorry for Matt, who had to read this whole thing. That couldn't have been fun.
You know I don't share stuff like this with you guys unless it really means something to me, so just know that and such. It's really long, but what isn't with me?
December 30th, 2002
Okay, so I tried writing you my requisite long email this morning, but AOL closed itself and there went my stupid and sappy letter. And now you're online and I could probably just talk to you, but I'm going to write this anyway because damnit, I just have some things to get out of me, and I don't mean poo.
A few minutes ago, it was raining and thundering and it made me miss you like crazy. All the days we used to open the blinds in your room and cuddle for a few minutes when we listened to the rain and watched the lightening. But I mean.. that's just rain and lightening, just one of the millions of things that makes me think of you.
What I wanted to tell you today is that I'm so scared right now. I'm scared of going to Austin and pretending that I can have a life for myself that I created by myself. Not with anyone there to hold my hand and show me what to do and eventually just do it themselves. I have to go measure up with other people that just gave up for 5 years, that decided to stay behind and play house because they thought it would be okay. Because I thought that the house I was playing would be there forever, and now it's not. Now I have to go out in the world with millions of other graduates who had relationships in college, who had jobs and internships and who have already made a life for themselves. I have to let myself believe that I can make it without you there by my side.
I'm so scared that in 7 months, I'm going to come back, tail between my legs, a total failure. I'm going to have to live with Donna and my dad and work at McDonalds or something. I know that's the wrong way of looking at it, but there it is. How can I do this for myself when I've never done anything like it before? Where is the strength inside of me to do this? Is it even there? Have I even really changed from the 17 year old who you took to the bank and to get pictures taken and to Pizza Villa? From the 17 year old you took to see 7 Years in Tibet with on my 18th birthday? I don't feel like I've changed, I really don't. I don't feel like there's anything different about me, and maybe there is, but it's really hard to see that right now.
Tomorrow is New Years Eve, and that was a special time for us. The first year, when you stayed home for me because I had to work, and then I came back with only 20 minutes left before the New Year and we celebrated together. The last year, when we drove through the mountains of Nevada, with George Carlin on the CD player, with the beautiful sky that was blue and beautiful yet it was surrounded by dark storm clouds, and I kept saying "Look at how beautiful the sky is!" And how we went to the concert, one of my dreams come true. And then we slept in the cold air, and then slept in the car. We did that together. We explored new places together, as a team, and now we can't do that anymore.
I'm so scared of the first night I spend in Austin. I will truly be all by myself, alone with conflicting thoughts. On one hand, I'm in a new place, a place I've always wanted to be. A new exciting life is waiting for me if only I make it happen. On the other hand, I'll always be thinking about the fact that she's coming home the same day I leave, and I'll be thinking about how you'll greet her with open arms, and how you'll kiss her and be close to her and snuggle with her and tell her how much you missed her and not fart while she's in the car with you. And maybe you'll eventually tell her about seeing me, and how I couldn't get through all 3 times seeing you without wishing that I could kiss you, and how strong you were because you wouldn't let me. How do I not let myself think that?
My mom told me yesterday that after people get out of such long relationships, a lot of them get married within a few months to someone else. And I can totally see you doing that, ya know? She's already discussing the kid's names with you, and I know that you are ready to have a family. I know you've been perhaps dreaming about a life with her for the past 2 1/2 years, and now there's nothing in your way to stop it, and it drives me crazy.
I'm also scared because I know someday, you're just going to stop being sad about me and eventually you'll just forget about the good times and the happy times and the nookie and the road trips. Football season will come and you'll be so focused on Plano East and school and her and fantasy football and your new house and your new life that I'm just gonna be forgotten. And I know by that time, I will have something different going on for me too, but I fear that I will not forget. That I will be so haunted by you and by how special you are that I'm never going to let myself truly enjoy a life without you.
And I know the above statement was probably a cop-out. First of all, I won't be without you. Even though I won't talk to you every day or what not, you will still be in my life. And I know that even though you have someone else, you won't forget about me and the good times. Maybe I won't be given another chance with you, but I know, from what you've told me over the last couple of days, that you won't forget about me anytime soon. I also know that even though I'm totally and completely scared now, by next fall things will be different. I'll be more familiar with a life without you, and that terrifies me too.
I'm just so scared. So scared of everything. So scared that I won't have the strength inside myself to overcome all these feelings. I'm not a strong person. I thought I wouldn't have to be strong because you were strong, and that was all that mattered. I thought I didn't have to play by the rules. I thought I could let everything go because you would be there, and even though we weren't completely happy together, you would still be there.
I know we both have to do this, for ourselves and for each other. I know a lifetime relationship of staring at each other over the table because we ran out of things to talk about is not terribly appealing. I know that there is a miniscule chance you will give me another try someday, and for that, I will leave a part of me open for that. A part of me will never let myself forget you, and that part of me will never give up hope that it will someday be me that you won't let yourself cheat on, that it'll be me that gets to live in your new house with you, that it'll be me that gets to reap the benefits of marriage with you. And I know that I have to have some kind of drastic change in myself before you would even think about letting that happen. I have to find whatever it is in me that gave me my spark, and I have to run with it. I have spirit, I have things inside of me that I know will let me succeed in life, but I don't know how to get it out. I thought that you were my spark, but I can't let myself think that. I can't think that the answer to my spark is another person, because it's not. It's me. It's always been me, and I have to believe that or else I'm never going to make it on my own.
I am going to make you proud of me. I'm going to make myself proud of me. I'm going to conquer all these mixed up feelings inside of me, and I know that eventually, even if you don't return to me, I'll be okay. But I don't want to believe that. See the theme here? I won't let myself believe that I can be happy without you, and that's what I'm so afraid of.
I don't really know what the point of this letter is. Maybe it's just so you'll respond, I don't know. All I know is that tomorrow night, I will be with my girly friends, trying to forget that it's the first time in 5 years that you weren't there to kiss me and assure me that the next year will be special. In 3 nights, I'll be in my new apartment, trying to not let myself think about you kissing someone else, telling her things that I wish you could be telling me.
I was only half a person for 5 years. I let myself believe that you were always going to be there. I got too comfortable. I lost pride in my looks, in my social life, in my school, and most of all, myself. I was weak, and it hurts me to know that I let you stay, that I let you keep yourself in a relationship that you knew you'd never be completely happy in. And I'm so proud of you for having the strength to be able to break it off because you wanted something better for both of us. That wasn't easy, and I respect that. I respect you so much, and you know that. I was lucky to have someone like you believe in me, have faith in me, love me.
I guess I'll wrap this up now. I know this is probably a little pathetic, but I just had to get it out. Austin is waiting for me, and I know that even though right now I feel like I'm not going to be able to stick it out and get it back on track, I will be able to. Because of the strength and because of everything else you cultivated in me over the years. The way that you made me believe that I had something special. I do, and it'll come out, and hopefully you will be around in some capacity to share it with me.
I'm so scared, and I love you, and I want to make you proud. I want you to see me at my peak, because you've seen me at my lowest. 5 years will not just go away, I know that. We went through a lot together, and you can't just forget things like that.
I really am going to end this now. Thank you, okay? Thank you for being there and continuing to be here. It hurts so much right now, but I think I'll make it through okay. We both will.
Thank you and have a nice day.
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So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004