Nothing comes fast in my life. Nothing comes simple, nothing happens right away, when I want it to. The only instant gratification I can manage is going to McDonalds and getting my bagel fix. (Not that I've done that lately, because I haven't, because that's not very Hardcore, is it?) I can't lose weight overnight, I can't make friends overnight, I can't become a successful writer overnight. It all comes with time. Slow, even, methodical time. This is why I have been unsuccessful at losing weight most of the times I've tried.. because I've given up after 3 weeks when I didn't see the results I really wanted.

I am very slowly losing weight, and I can deal with that. I still have 5 months to reach an acceptable weight before I go back to Dallas, and I will be using that 5 months to my advantage. When I'm done here, all my old friends will see me and freak out, because damnit, I'm going to be HOT. That's right, H.O.T. And yes, that is a big reason why I'm trying to lose weight.. so I'll look better. It's also to feel better and to become healthier and to raise my declining self esteem, but for the most part, it's to look better to other human beings. If that's wrong, I don't want to be right.

The whole Matt situation.. it sucks. I want instant gratification, and he can't offer that. He never really promised me anything, and I always thought he did. But we had good times together, and that's what I should think of when I think of our relationship. I shouldn't think of not being good enough for him, or the fact that he's still waiting around for the other girl, or a ton of other disconcerting things. I should think of our road trip to San Diego, which might have been the best time of our relationship, I'm not really sure. I should think of all the intimate times we shared when no one else was around, when we bonded together, when we sealed our love with the little things that kept us together for so long.

If it happens, it's not going to happen any time soon. It's probably not even going to happen when I'm here. So I have a long time to think about what I really want. And possibly get myself another man.

This is what Hardcore March is about. It's not about losing weight and getting over Matt and not masturbating (an addendum that I added.. I can't masturbate anymore, it's just too depressing.), it's about changing my lifestyle. It's about changing my focus, more importantly. I want to be so busy, so extremely busy, that I don't have an extra hour to come home and sit online. I want to take classes, I want to hang out with friends, I want to take Yoga, I want to do so many other things than just sit here and wait for my life to pass me by, wait for the hours to tick by until I get to go back to Dallas.

I want so much more for myself, and that's what Hardcore March is about. It's about focus. And changing it.

In other news, I went to work today. I don't really want to talk about working.. it's just a way to pass the time at this moment. It's not going to help me in my career to have "secretary" on my resume, but holy shit, it's $68 a day! That's like a million dollars to me right now. Of course, when it rains, it pours, so I got a message from Pizza Hut today offering me a job. Where were those bastards a month ago, huh? Cocksuckers.

I've become one of "those" people, though.. after work I take my little bag to the gym and work out with all the other masses of people who do the same thing. I hate that, but I have to work out, so it's good times.

I dunno. Whatever, right?

I'm being good about eating right, though.. today I brought my little Weight Watchers Fettucini Alfredo to lunch while everyone else went to Sonic. I had a Diet Dr. Pepper with it. I felt good about that. I made really good fajitas last night, too. Yummy is what I say.

*There was content here, but it did not work in accordance with Hardcore March. Therefore, it was deleted in its entirety.*

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"Anyway, I just thought I'd share that little tidbit with you. The age differences in my parents and their respective partners never fail to crack me up. I think it's hilarious that if my dad marries his girlfriend, I'd have a stepbrother that's 2 years old. And my stepdad has a daughter that's in her 30's, so I'd have a stepsister and a stepbrother 30 years apart. Ahhh, the wonders of love."