Having spent about 15 hours in this apartment so far, I can tell you that I am enjoying myself. My DVD player is now installed, my computer is working, my hot water is on, and I'm living in Austin. I have to find a job, buy a desk, go grocery shopping, and all the other mundane things that normal people do during the day. It's all very exciting. My bed is also very comfortable, which I can appreciate.

Living truly and genuinly by myself is nice. I don't have to worry about maybe having a roommate come in at any time, like I did at my dorm. I don't have to worry about crying and having my suitemate be so disturbed about it that she tells the RA. And..

Okay, welcome to the biggest dilemma of living/staying with other people: the overnight toilet flush. I always wonder if I should leave the big turd in the toilet when I inevitably get up and use the bathroom in the middle of the night, or if I should flush and wake everyone within ear shot of the bathroom up. Every single person I've asked about this has said that I should just flush because waking up to turds is not their idea of fun, but I just think that I would rather wake up to turds than be awakended by the sound of the toilet flushing!

Yes, that's my biggest dilemma of all time. Sad, I know.

So let's continue with the timeline of how I arrived in Austin. We left off on the 29th of October.

Later on..

November 4th -

I thought everything was going to be okay, still. I thought I'd wake up, Matt would be all like "I changed my mind, don't move.." and that never happened.

"Is there ever a person on your AOL Buddy List that you look at and think, "You know, I always have to IM that person first. I wonder how long it would take them to IM me instead." And you wait until they IM you to talk? Even though you like.. have things to say to them? And then all these days go by and you're like, "wow, that's sad!"

Yeah, that's sadly me and BB right now. You're not supposed to be that way with your boyfriend, but I suppose it's to be expected with the way things are going in our relationship as of late. I've taken on a rather apathetic approach, really. Well, I don't know if it's apathetic or just kinda healthy. I was telling my cousin this weekend that I was looking forward to going to Austin because it's the best thing that could happen to us right now. We can see how we function without having the other always be hovering around in the background. Right now it's kinda like, "Well, it's the weekend, you might as well come over because that's what you always do anyway.." I mean, neither of us have actually said that, but that's really how it is. It's easy to form a pattern when you've been together for so long, and crappola."

On November 5th, I was starting to figure out that things weren't normal, and that they weren't likely to get any better.

"You KNOW what fucking 5 FUCKING YEARS buys you in this town? A fucking month off, that's what it buys you. I was so fed up with his FUCKING BULLSHIT that I finally just said, "Why don't we just not see or talk to each other for a month?" And he was like, "Okay."

That's all he said. He fucking said "Okay." Like HE DIDN"T EVEN FUCKING CARE. He didn't say "No no, we can figure this out, maybe I'll see you one day a week or something." He didn't say, "Fuck it all, I love you, don't go to Austin." He just fucking said OKAY!

What the fuck is wrong with me? What the hell happened to bring this relationship to this fucking point? I don't know if any of you can truly comprehend what I am feeling right now. I want to fucking beat him up and spout obscenities at him and just ask "WHAT THE FUCK?! I THOUGHT YOU FUCKING LOVED ME!" How can he love me? How can he honestly say that he loves me when he agrees to not see or talk to me for a month?"

What I didn't know was that it would be more than a month that we didn't see each other. I last saw him on October 30th, and I didn't see him again until Christmas Eve, the 24th of December. That was a long, cold 2 months.

November 8th -

That was when the bottom really dropped out. That was when Matt (I hate calling him Matt.. I never called him Matt. I either called him Matthew or Mattiebear or M Bear.. he called me Lizzie or Elle Bear or Lizziebear.. he only called me Elizabeth when he was mad. But anyway.) denied me of nooky. I knew something was very wrong when that happened. Not only did it hurt my feelings that he didn't want to see me, it hurt me ego. I am a chick. I don't get denied of nooky, it just doesn't happen.

"So I guess we're all asking ourselves, "Why were you crying, Elizabeth? I mean, I know the whole Guns N Roses thing is sad, but you don't have to cry about it!" Well yeah. That's not what I was crying about, thank you very much. It's a long story, but after talking to this wonderful person and then having a not so fun conversation with BB, I realized that I just have to give it up. I can't live my life like this anymore. I've centered myself around him for too long, and while it was all comfortable and happy for a while, it's just not right. I'm not like that. I shouldn't be the kind of person who centers her life around one human being. I was meant to be a free spirit, a good friend, someone who can maintain a boyfriend and a life of her own at the same time. I CAN'T BE HELD DOWN, DAMNIT! MUAHAHAHA!"

After that Thursday night, we didn't talk again for another week, and it was me who initiated it. For the next month, he very seldom IMed me unless I did it first, and even then, we would have very short conversations that consisted of me begging him to talk to me about life and other stuff in general.

I didn't suspect he had a girl in his life until December when he'd be idle for very long periods of time.

Eventually, I started thinking about Angel Boy again. I thought about calling him, asking him to go do something, and then just point blank asking him for some dirty monkey sex. Fortunately, I got rid of that idea pretty fast before I made that tragic mistake.

I knew things were really bad when Matt, instead of "Love you!" or even "Bye bye, talk to you later," he said "Later tator!" I mean, seriously. What the fuck is later tator? That's not even something people say to their friends, it's just an empty term for someone that means nothing to you. *shakes head*

November 24th -

I felt so completely sad and destructive and devastated. I vowed "Never again" and for now, I mean that. I don't see myself crying over any guys anytime soon. My dating life in Austin is going to be different.. I'm not going to let anyone fuck with me, and if they do, they're gone. There's no reason to stay with someone who I think will cause me emotional distress. It's just pointless.

November 26th -

Matt sees that I'm distraught. He sees my away message that says I'm under the covers, crying. We have our first genuinly nice conversation, and he reveals that he does care about me a lot, and that he's so depressed he's sleeping all the time. This is clearly before his new chick comes along.

Other things that happened: the beginning of December is when things really started to fall apart, where I came out of my denial and started to see what was ahead of me. First of all, he told me he was going to Vegas, on the road trip we were supposed to be going on together. One day, I IM him and say that it's cold outside, and he says "Yeah, I wish I had someone here to keep me warm." Woooo, think about the many ways I obsessed about that. It was horrible. I analyzed every detail of our IMs to each other, I'd sit there for hours wondering what he was doing and why he was idle.

Then he was idle during wrestling, and I know it sounds lame, but I just knew it. I knew that if he was missing wrestling, something was very wrong. After a while, he started talking about a girlfriend, and I would not let myself believe he had one. Until he showed me her picture the day before Christmas Eve, I didn't let myself believe it.

I saw him the day before Christmas Eve for the first time in 2 months. It was ackward and it was sad, and it depressed me like you wouldn't believe.

December 23rd -

"He held me today. He made me think that there was a glimmer of hope. He made me think that I still had some kind of involvement in his life. But now I'm sitting here talking to him, pretty much begging to see him again so we can ravage each other one more time, and it's just rock bottom. It's raining, there's lightening, I look good, and it would just be so awesome to see him one more time. To spend one more night in his arms. To feel, for one night, how I used to feel: invincible. Like nothing could ever touch me because I had someone and their strength behind me. It was okay that I wasn't strong because he was strong, and he backed me up. But now I have nothing to back me up. I'm out here on my own. And it sucks. Oh my god, it sucks so bad. "

Then, on Christmas night, he wrote me a 3 page email that was so tender and thoughful and nice.. it just really touched me. It made me realize that even if he does have this new girl in his life, it doesn't mean he doesn't think of me, doesn't ache for me anymore. So on the 26th, I saw him again. And the 28th. And I begged him for nooky that entire time, but he wouldn't. He had a girlfriend, and he wasn't going to give it up. I knew when he said "I equate cheating on a girlfriend with having sex before marriage," which is pretty friggin hardcore.

but I felt so rejected. And I still kinda do, but I understand things now. I understand that he needs this, and I need this, and it doesn't have anything to do with not wanting me. He loves me, and he wants me to succeed, and as of right now, I have no anger towards him. I love him, and I cherish the time we spent together.

This is the last day that I'm going to look back on things like this. As of tomorrow, I'm moving on. I'm going to look for a job, look for a new life. I'm going to lose weight, be more organized, make friends.. everything I've always wanted to do, I'm going to do it now. This is the time.

This was long. Good times.