My vision of this party was this: I would go, have a margarita or 2, start dancing like a crackwhore. The room would be half gay guys, half lesbians. Some lesbian would come find me totally unbearably attractive and would ask me to dance, and then we'd make out in the corner all night. Don't ask me why I thought this, but that was my plan.

The actual party: me and about 500 gay guys. There were probably about 4 girls there, and they were all occupied with each other. I've never seen so many gay boys, all muscular and crap, in one room! And at one point, around 8:00, they all started taking their shirts off. It was crazy times.

I realized that I didn't want to be there about 15 minutes into this little happy club dance. We stayed for about 4 hours longer.

I also realized, as my brother got drunk and did this very strange dancing that I've never really seen anybody do, that I would so much rather have been at Matt's house, in my pajamas, watching The Practice on TIVO and eating fajitas that we made together. It kills me that I don't even have that choice anymore. It totally destroys me.

I talked to him briefly today just to ask him if he'd be a reference for me on my job applications because I did do some work for him, and I did it well. He agreed readily and said he'd give me an excellent reference. I hate that he's so nice to me. I hate that instead of thinking how mad I am at him, I keep thinking how badly I want to be in his arms, how badly I want him to come to Austin and spend one night in my bed with me, whispering in my ear about how much he loves me and misses me.

We could have worked it out, you know? I could have gotten a job in Dallas and I could have worked on my shit there, and we could have stayed together. We could have worked it out and it kills me that we couldn't, and now he's working it out with some chick that doesn't take care of him like I did. Some chick that's smart and beautiful but can't give him the things that I did, the loyalty and the love and everything else that comes with spending every waking moment for 5 years with someone. She can't give him those things, and he won't let me give it to him because he's trying to find himself.

I feel like we understand each other better than anyone else could. I know he's lazy and I also know he's the smartest person I've ever met. He's just such an incredible person and I understand that about him, and I don't get why he wants to give up on such an incredible understanding.. it just hurts. It hurts so fucking much and sometimes it just gets so fucking overwhelming, and I hate dealing with myself when I feel like this because nothing can change. Nothing can happen any time soon to change our situation, no matter what happens, and that drives me fucking crazy.

Sorry. I've had a bit to drink tonight and apparently that makes me into a total crackwhore. I had a shot of Sex on the Beach. I figured I might as well be getting sex somewhere.

Now I'm crying again. I just wish things could be different. I wish everything was different. I wish I didn't have to know that he loves someone else, and I wish he didn't flirt with me like he did a little bit today. Why does he flirt with me? It's like a mind game or something. I hate that he's so nice to me. I hate it so much. I try not to talk to him but like today.. I wanted to ask him about the reference. He said he was about to IM me because he heard Patience on the radio and wanted to tell me about it.

Patience.. something I have absolutely nothing of. I wish I had it so I could "find myself." But instead I just sit here in my empty apartment, wishing I was somewhere else, wishing I were someone else.

Bah.