baby maybe someday
June 26, 2004 I heart Pauly! Plus woe is me.

Man, if loving Pauly Shore is wrong, I don't want to be right.

But really, the guy that came before him was way funnier. Encino Man was 12 years ago, dude, and boy is he bitter. Meanwhile, he's talking a lot about how to give blowjobs and other assorted things. He did do his little weasely-sound kind of thing and the weird little hand motion that goes along with it (come on! some of you must know what I'm talking about!). I was hoping for at least ONE "Heyyyy buddd-EEEEY!" But no.

But the dude who came before him, Bobby Lee (the Korean dude from MAD TV), almost made me pee my pants. Good stuff.

Man, Pauly Shore, Duff AND Slash all in one week? I don't know what to do with myself.

In other news, I think I managed a new low of total and complete lonelieness tonight.

I mean, I consider myself lucky that I can do things by myself and not freak out about it. I see movies by myself on a frequent basis. I go to bookstores, I work out, I go to the mall, sometimes occasionaly I will go to a restaurant by myself. But this past week I've really stretched the bounds of alone time. You should have seen me at the comedy club tonight.. the place only had tables for couples and such, and when they were trying to seat everyone, I said, "I'm only one, just stick me anywhere."

And I swear, this guy and the the hostess chick got this look on their faces like "Oh my god! How pathetic is that?" And the dude was like, "We've got ONE here." And the chick was like, "ONE?" And she stuck me at a table with a couple old enough to be my parents.

And a concert by myself? That worked out to my advantage because I didn't have extra people to contend with in the front row. But you're just really not supposed to do things like that by yourself! It's just not socially acceptable?

And most of the time, I'm like, "Fuck it. I want to do it, and nobody else wants to go with me, so I'll go myself!" But then on nights like this when everybody is with somebody, when people are on first dates, when I'm sitting by myself and nobody else is alone.. it feels pretty pathetic.

Why can't I find people to do things with? How am I going to make friends these days without the benefit of school and a workplace with 2 old chicks? How do I find people with similar interests that I don't feel completely socially retarded with?

I have to admit, most of these feelings were brought on last night by me and Matt's social outing. I had TWO margaritas, got a bit drunk, and well.. I violated the rule. The pink elephant in the middle of the room. I talked about the one thing I'm not allowed to talk about, the thing that has existed between us for the past year that seems to be a dirty little secret. I talked about "our relationship." GASP! HOW DARE I!

First of all, I'm not going to College Station with him. I've been going the past 3 years, and it's something I look forward to all summer. But he's going to be "too busy." And hey, whatever. It's not that much of an entertaining town anyway. But it's just.. it's just what the town represents. I can't really explain it.

Second.. I'm so tired of this shit. I know every single one of you have a comment to the effect of "People don't change, give it up, he doesn't respect you, blah blah blah," and yeah, I agree with you. But guess what? I LOVE him. I BELIEVE in him. And to me, that is all I need until:

A. He just totally cuts it off and tells me to move on because there's no way we can do this anymore;

or

B. The Girl comes back.

As it is, I haven't heard a THING about The Girl since they broke up a year ago. And never, in our whole 7 years, has he ever said "This is totally over, get over it, move on." So.. it continues.

So, just let me rant here. It's been proven that I am a total retard and I don't take advice.

Anyway, that was weird. I never get all weepy and crybaby-like when I'm drunk. But I guess I just needed to say it. And there goes my composure.

I am not in a very good place right now. I feel ugly most of the time. I feel like I want a new boy in my life, but I feel too socially retarded to even complete a sentence with ANYONE without thinking that I fucked something up. I am so obsessed with my job situation that I don't feel like I can work hard enough on all the other situations I need to improve on.

I don't know. I do know that I'm going to Vegas and Utah in less than a week, and I'm going to have some serious time to think up there in the middle of nowhere. It'll be nice to be away from all this crap.. maybe it'll clear my head.

I just want people to do stuff with.. I love being alone most of the time, but I also love meeting new people and learning new stories. But I'm not exactly heading head first into social activities.

Bah.



back & forth random
recently...

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004