I feel like I need to soak up as much of Austin as I possibly can while I'm still here. I only have 2 weeks left until I leave for Christmas, and then probably only another 2 weeks or less when I come back from Christmas and the road trip.

I'm starting to panic a bit, honestly. Last night I had a mini breakdown with my small group. I knew once I started talking I was going to start crying, and I did. First of all, I started this small group back in January, a few weeks after I moved here. I haven't known Austin without these girls. They ARE Austin to me, and I don't know what I would have done without them.

The girls and my brother are the two biggest reasons that I feel guilty about leaving. I try not to mention it around my brother because I feel like I'm betraying him. I feel like I haven't accomplished enough to leave yet. He said to me, while we were at the farm for Thanksgiving, that one thing he learned this year was that "You can't help someone who isn't ready to help themselves."

That so made me feel like shit. Sure, I'm not on heroin or anything, but I haven't really met the goals I set for myself here. And he really did try to help me as much as he could, but there wasn't a lot he could do. He had his own life to worry about, and I didn't really know what to do with mine. And I feel bad about that. I wish I had something more to show him. And now I'm going to have to give him a sappy Christmas card telling him how much he helped. Damn.

After I had my crying fit, I then morphed into my alter ego - Funny Fat Girl. That's not really who I want to be! But I am always making these girls laugh. It's almost against my will! I go for the cheap laughs. I don't know why. I feel stupid for doing it sometimes.

I also feel stupid because I just swallowed my gum. And it wasn't easy gum. I had to down two Blow Pops just to get to that gum. *sigh*

***--***

My work situation is stupid. I really thought I went in there and worked hard for them, but I guess not.

In the past, I have half assed looking for a job. I looked for a job where I had few hours and didn't have to work that hard while I was there. That was sincerely not my intention with this job. In the beginning, I was working almost every day, only getting one day a week off. I felt good about that. I felt like I was doing something good!

And then they cut my hours and I started to feel a little less good about it. Now.. I went to work tonight and looked at the schedule for next week, and I'm not even on it. Not as in I don't have any hours. They didn't even put my name on the schedule! The Shift Manager didn't even have an explanation for it. He's just like, "I dunno!" Other people were left off it, too.

It's like they're phasing me out. It just disappoints me, really. I thought I did a good job. It doesn't matter that much, I guess. I'm going to give my two weeks on Sunday, anyway. Not that they'll miss me, but I want to leave on good terms.

Bah. I don't like the situation. But at least it gives me more time to explore Austin the way I want to before I leave. Tomorrow I'm going to take my stupid little disposable camera and take pictures of all the cool stuff I want to remember here. It should be good times.

***--***

In other good times, while driving to East Texas for Thanksgiving I listened to the Audio Book of Silence of the Lambs. Then, on the way back and for the past week, I've been listening to Hannibal, which is like 13 hours long.

The result of this: I think I'm falling in love with Hannibal Lecter. He's mighty cool, you know.

I'm almost at the end of Hannibal. He has Clarice at his house and she's all drugged and such. It's just so taboo and weird and sick and I love it. I hated the movie with a passion, but I love the story. And the British guy who reads it is kinda fun. A british guy trying to do a southern accent is always exciting.

It's good stuff.

***--***

I guess that's all for now. Matt and I have decided where we're going for New Years: Lake Charles and New Orleans. I had the sudden realization a few days ago that I haven't been to New Orleans this year, and that's just not right! I've been every year since I was 17, and I can't break that tradition. So that's where we're going. And damnit, it's going to good times.

Matt is such a dork. Last night we had a conversation about what sex entails. Basically, the last couple of nookie sessions we've had have really ridden the border of having sex. We're really doing everything but penetration here. We're getting verrryyy close to penetration, but we're not there yet. It's very dicey. I know it's lame for him to claim he's a virgin. Really, he's not. But he hasn't "penetrated" anyone, so he thinks he is. So, yeah. I'm glad we got that cleared up.

Call me pathetic, but I think it's exciting that after all this time we're getting enthusiastic about sex stuff. 6 years is a long time. We should have run out of stuff by now, but everytime we see each other, it's on. If we were all honest with ourselves, the sexual part of our relationship might be one of the biggest reasons we've been holding on. So it'll be interesting to see if we can make it more than that once I get back.

He's supposedly coming over here next week sometime. I'm really looking forward to that. He's only been here once and that's just not right.

Man, that gum is doing weird things to my body. Remind me not to be a dumbass and swallow gum ever again.

I think that's all. Woot!

*****

a year ago...

"And the biggest thing is BB, obviously. While I'm obviously bitter and sad about the whole thing, it was probably for the best. I've always had deep down reservations about the whole thing. There were a few things that never seemed quite right about the whole thing. Things that would nag at me and I'd just brush them off and say they'll get better eventually. Maybe those things would have gotten better eventually, but maybe they wouldn't. So perhaps it's a good thing that I've lost him. Although it's really quite hard to think of it as a good thing right now."

2 years ago...

"I am going to hell.

I've been a pervert ever since hitting puberty, though! I'd take my mom and dad's porno tapes that they had hidden in the closet and I'd watch them whenever they weren't home. I'd write dirty stories, even at the young age of 13. I was the first person in my grade to have the Judy Blume book "Forever." We all walked around the track as I read things outloud from it, like "And as I touched Ralph, he came all over me," or whatever. And I'd be like.. what the hell is coming? Did they go somewhere?

I made my barbies do naughty things with each other. I had cyber sex with a 15 year old girl back when I was "Lizzie 11" on my little US Videotel. I told her I was 13.

I just thought you should know that I'm a big, horny pervert."