I know what happened. I tortured myself last night by looking at a specific part of Matt's past on his webpage, something that I knew was there, something I knew would upset me. I even brought it up to him on Friday and he said he'd change it at some point, but he hasn't yet.

When it comes down to it, I hate that he cheated on me and I hate it that I let him. I hate it that he still claims he technically didn't cheat on me, but he did. This whole "open relationship" bullshit was not there to allow him to have other relationships with people, it was so he could go be a boy and get blowjobs or something. But he abused that, and he and this fucking girl, The Girl, couldn't seem to get enough of their crappy neglectful cheating relationship.

I know all this.. I know that I'm a fool for giving him another chance. But I also know how I felt when I came to his house on Thursday night and he was waiting for me with open arms. I asked him, "Is it okay for me to be here? I feel weird." And he answered me with a slow and passionate and loving kiss, and said, "I want you to be here." That's enough for me right now. But the past is always going to be there and it's not something I'm ever going to really be proud of.

But that's bad, because this week is not about looking in the past, it's about looking towards the future. Yes siree, that is what I'm doing this week. I'm going to lose weight, make friends, blah blah blah. I have all the resources available to do this now, as I have a job, I've made a considerable fan base in which to hang out with friends, I have a gym to work out in, and I know how to do all this stuff. I've always known how to do this stuff, it's just up to me to facilitate it. And I will. Because I rock.

I miss my sweetie bear. I get to see him in less than 2 weeks, and I'm really quite happy about that. I wish I could put my total and complete trust in him, but I just can't. He has to earn it. And I have to start making him earn it. Yeeyuh.

I just really love him. I don't know if I'm talking through a veil of period hormones, but I just love him. I love his big strong arms and how he's always so cuddly these days and how he embraces me all the time and how he tells his friends about me and my presense and he talks to his mom about me and all this stuff. I love the guy. I want him in my life permanently. I don't even care how pathetic that sounds anymore. He's my Mattiebear and I love him.

Except.. if he fucks this up, if he hurts me one more god damn time, it's over, and he knows it, and I know it.