1. My mom is now in Utah. She and my stepdad drove from Texas to Utah and now she's there and visiting her horsie, Comanche Moon. I will be visiting her in August. Why I'm looking forward to this so much is because we "have" to fly in to Vegas to get there. I'm dying to go to Vegas without Matt and just go totally crazy. Woot.

2. I really need to get my organization skills on. I owe so much money and it's all because I can't turn things in on time. Rent is late, so now I owe $70. My library books are a month late. I probably owe late fees to half of the Blockbusters in Austin. I still owe $50 to the Dallas Public Library. I need a day planner or something. Anything to keep myself in check. Most of my first paycheck is probably going to pay off my debt, and my debt is all from my dumbassness. I guess that's part of growing up, and the sooner I get to growing up, the better off we'll all be.

3. I talked to Chris for the first time in a month or so today. He's got his shit together. When I used to talk to him for hours in January and February, we'd comisserate together about our exes. Now he's moved on, he has a new girl, and he's happy.

I wish I could be that happy. He said his ex even said the words that every dumpee wants to hear: "I miss you, I'm completely in love with you, my life sucks, please come back." And he said the words that every dumpee wants to say: "I've moved on, I'm with someone else now, and I'm glad we're not together anymore." I want that. I want that so bad.

I guess I'm on that path.. I haven't talked to Matt in 3 whole days! Wowwee. But it's still a lot better than before, wouldn't you agree? I'm still writing the occasional pathetic email, but at least I've gotten the pathetic IM's out of my system. What can you do sometimes?

4. I went to my depression meeting last night expecting to just talk about Matt a little, but the leader turned to me and asked me flat out, "How is your situation with Matt?" And I found myself bursting into tears. I got a lot of stuff out of my system, and it really felt good to have people just sit there and listen to my crap.

The main thing is.. I know a lot of stuff. I know I'm no longer in control of the situation, and like I said, that's a relief. But it's also very frustrating because I want to know that there's something I can do to keep myself in his mind, but there's not. So that's good, and it's annoying, and it's something I'm learning to deal with, very slowly. But that doesn't change the fact that I still sometimes just straight out miss him. I miss the road trips and the comfort and going out and buying him meatball subs from Subway. But there's also a lot of stuff I don't miss.

I don't miss lying to him about how much money I had left. I don't miss lying to him about how much food I've eaten. I did lie to him about that, all the time, because I wanted him to believe that I was doing everything I could to lose weight. I don't miss hiding things from him, and I don't miss initiating conversation all the time because he just didn't talk. Yes, there are things I don't miss. But I miss the feeling of him.. the concept of meeting the love of my life when I was 17 years old and marrying him after such a long period of courtship. I miss that concept. But again, it's just something I have to deal with. And I am. It's just a long, hard process.

But anyway.

5. I feel bad. Last night I found this really weird looking creature outside my door. It was like a spider kind of thing, but it was like.. checkered or something! I've never seen anything like it. It was a spider or maybe even a roach, and it was just gross. So I got the Raid and sprayed it. I don't know if that bothered it or not, but it walked away from my door, causing me to be relieved that somehow he wasn't going to crawl under my door, walk to my bedroom, crawl up on my bed and attack me while I slept.

But still, it was an innocent little creature that maybe had to die because I was threatened by its weirdness. Poor little strange creature.

*sigh*

6. My brother's ex boyfriend just moved into my apartment complex with a roommate, and I want to be their friends. They are two very cute gay boys and I plan, after getting over the initial ackwardness, to Grace them with my presence. Get it? Grace? Will and Grace? Gay boys and straight girls? HEHEHEHE!

Anyway. It seems like a good idea to make these guys my friends. Joe really likes movies and so do I, so maybe I can hang out with him and watch movies and stuff. And I really need to make more friends soon because I'm tired of being alone. I'm only going to get through this awkward craptasticness with the help of others. So yeah.

7. I'm broke. Totally and completely. See #2. Also, I have to pay for a ticket I got last summer, and defensive driving, and all this crap. It's a good thing I have a job or I might have to go to debtor's prison.

8. I was thinking about it today.. I am no longer mad about Josh and that whole abusive relationship thing. Sure, it was 6 years ago so it's probably about time for that, but I'm happy about this. But my question is.. if it took me 6 years to get over Josh, someone I only dated for 8 months, when will this Matt-related pain ever go away?

*sigh*

Anyway. I guess that's about it for now. I'm looking forward to a night of porn and sleep. The best combo.