Anyway, I could probably do this tomorrow or some other point in time, but I really feel like doing it tonight. I wanna go back in time and kinda do a progress report. Kinda go back to all the other 9th days of the month in the 2 years that I've been here and see if I can notice any change. Because that's fun! I'm a fun person.

So here we go. Those of you new people "BB" stands for "Boyfriend Boy" who is, of course, Matt. Cuz we're going way back in time. And this is gonna be a long one. If you want to see more recent times, post break-up, that's near the bottom. Tee hee.

Here's an example of how things never change.

July 10th, 2001

"Something I found out this weekend is that everyone has something to say about me losing weight. Everyone I saw had an opinion about it. I didn't know it was such a problem for everyone else. So I guess I'm going to start trying to do it so everyone can focus on something else to worry about."

August 9th, 2001

"I've asked myself a few times, over the course of the last 8 years or so, if I still like Axl, or am I just continuing to like him out of rebellion. I have come to the conclusion, after listening to Use Your Illusion 1 about 5,000 times, and after looking at these pictures, and hearing people talk about them on MTV and VH1 specials about different things, that I still like him. Maybe not as obsessively as I once did, but still pretty damn much. I know he's not the model citizen, and I know he's strangely elusive, and I know the whole band left him here by his lonesome, I know alot of things but they don't change the fact that he's fucking gorgeous. If I could see him in concert just once, I would die a happy woman." (Oooh, irony is fun!)

Also from August 9th, 2000

"Okay, so it's 4:39 PM and I'm sitting here in my underwear (my NEW underwear, might I add!) eating cookie dough. Am I proud of this fact? Not really. But come on, it's 102 degrees! I was wearing clothes at some point, but it's just too hot to wear anything right now. The cookie dough I have no excuse for. I just had a craving."

Sometimes it's good to see that I always had doubts about Matt. I always did, and I was always unsure that I wanted to stay with him, and fortunately that decision was eventually made for me. *bittersnort*

September 9th, 2001

"I feel myself growing dependent on BB again. I go through stages like that sometimes. Where I sit online and wait for him to talk to me and when I wait for him to compliment me because I feel like shit and need his reassurance. But since that's not really what our relationship is built on, me feeling like shit and him reassuring me all the time, I usually get over it eventually. We work better when we're both independent yet together, too. I should shut up because I've talked about how much this has bothered me in the past. I hate talking about our relationship because I usually end up making myself sound like a hypocrit. Bah!"

This next one is one of my favorite entries. I wrote it a year and a half ago and it still makes me giggle.

October 9th, 2001

"Well, last night I learned why alchohol isn't really my friend. It seduced me with it's tequila-laced perfumed inner thigh, and I was powerless in its presence. It had me feeling the desired effects for about 5 minutes ("Oooh, look at the pretty moon! Oooh, look, I can't walk very well! Oooh, look, I'm laughing obnoxiously!") and then, within minutes after that, I was left feeling like shit, while the alchohol took off running into the night, off to torture some other fool who never drinks. If you listen closely, you can still hear its laughter. "Muahahahahah! Muahahahaha! Muahahahah!"

Sometimes it makes me sad to see myself gushing like a little girl. But this is how I used to feel, how my life used to be. Here's a good example of feeling like shit:

November 9th, 2001

"I'm going to take this time to gush a bit about BB, my boyfriend, my partner in crime, my best friend. I don't think I do enough gushing.

I was just kinda watching him a little when we were at the high school football game, when he was so happy that his team was winning, and I thought to myself, damn, he's a babe! I mean, he just has these gorgeous blue eyes, and I love his long hair. Of course, when I first met him, he had a mullet, but we don't need to go there. I just love long hair on guys, I don't know why, but I always have.

Anyway. He's just a damn genius. He skipped 2nd grade and I think 6th grade. He's so smart and generous and he has his shit together and I really admire that. He makes me want to better myself, to rise about the rut I've been in for so long, when no when else can. And I love that about him. It might be what I love about him the most. That and his long hair."

My entry for December 9th, 2001 is too long, but its good stuff, so go read it.

I would just like to point out here that I no longer need my vibrator. I am now self taught. Mauhahaha.

January 9th, 2001

"Ever since my roommate left, it's been on with my vibrator. You'd think I was making up for lost time or something! You know, you'd never think by just looking at me that inside my mind is a deviant pool of porn. But there it is.. just waiting for me to jump in!"

This next one is definitely an example of how I have NOT changed.

April 9th, 2002

"I am discovering something. The past four days have really been spent in seclusion. The only person I've talked to is my mom on the phone. My friends aren't calling me and I haven't had the communication of going to work everyday and talking to people there and doing interviews everyday and stuff. I kinda like it, but I feel guilty about liking it. I feel like I'm abandoning my friends, or like I abandoned them a long time ago and now I'm feeling the fruits of that labor. I feel bad about that, but I enjoy being by myself. I can do whatever the hell I want when I'm by myself and I kinda like that. I know that that's a cop out, though. I know that I should take advantage of the resource known as friends, but it's just hard for me to call them sometimes. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because they know that I'm selfish and only hang out with them when I need them.

I have totally missed what college is about, and I only have 6 months left of it. But I keep telling myself that I shouldn't look at it that way. We all spend college in different ways, and whatever way we choose isn't wrong, it's just different. I have always done things a little differently, I shouldn't expect things to change now, or any other time.

Another example of sad/happy memories:

June 9th, 2002 &*(yes, a year ago)

"So we played some last night. I've never been able to beat him because for some reason, he was born with incredible athletic and academic abilities that I will never measure up to. But I was still proud of myself when I got the amazing score of 48 when playing against 3 other people in that game last night. I was so friggin proud of myself, and I knew BB was proud that his chick just kicked three different people's asses. However, my 48 quickly paled in comparison as he got a 77 on the last game he played. 77 points. My good lord. I was so proud of him. I'm always proud of him, he's just such an amazing person. Anyway. I thought it was cool that I whooped up on those people."

I really bragged about him more than I complained. I don't know. Bah.

This is from the day before the 9th because this is when I was wrestling with my buliemia issues. I would like you to know that it was the very last time I ever did it. So yay.

And now, on a special edition of Liz's diary...

August 8th, 2002

"So, I did it again tonight. Like I said in the previous entry, I got a pizza. And some breadsticks. And it was probably my intentions from the very beginning to eat it and then throw it up again, but I didn't think about that at first. I just thought it would be nice to have some pizza tonight.

But tonight is the 6th time I've done it. The first 3 times were spaced out between 2 months. The next 3 times were all in one week, a couple of days apart. This is alarming to me. This is scary to me.

Let's just go ahead and say the word, shall we? Bulemia. I am turning into some lame movie of the week starring Meredith Baxter Burney. I am turning into someone I would see on TV in the past and say to myself, "That's horrible.. why would they want to do that to themselves? Why would they eat so much and then want to throw it up?" I know now. Because you get obsessed, and when you reach a certain point, you'll just about do anything to not gain another pound. "

Welcome to "Elizabeth is OBSESSED with Axl Rose" time! No wonder I was dumped the month after this, I was a psycho!

September 9th, 2002

"And I think right now, with my weird Axl obsession, the answers to all those questions is YES. Unequivocally yes. I AM taking it too far. I DO need to reevaluate my sanity. Because like I said in my earlier entry today, I've fucking dream about the asshole every single night! ALL THE TIME! I'm getting tired of it!

Today, when I had two hours to study or do whatever between classes, did I go to the math lab to get help with my statistics? Did I study at all? Well, yes. I studied statistics for about 5 minutes, gave up, and went to the computer lab to look at pictures that I've already seen of him. There's really not any pictures that I haven't seen at this point.

It's a sickness. I have too many obsessions. It's like I'm not complete unless I'm obsessing over someone."

Here is October 9th, a mere two weeks before I got dumped, 6 days after our 5 year anniversary, 3 days before my 23rd birthday. It was such a simple time. I had no idea what was about to happen to me.

"I studied math tonight for about 25 minutes. I was impressed with myself! I know we're having a midterm soon, but I hope it's not next week.. that would be really bad since I have no idea what I'm doing yet. I have major catch up to do, but when do I not have major catch up to do? Urgg. Anyway."

And now we come to November, post-break up, but still not at the point where I really think it's a break up. I don't know how I survived the time in between breaking up and moving to Austin.. I have to give myself a lot of credit there.

"And to make things clear.. yes, I am thinking that this is a break up for the time being. Maybe he's "finding himself" or whatever, but he isn't taking me with him on this journey. Maybe when I'm in Austin he'll realize I'm the true love of his life, but then again, maybe not! I'm just saying that I'm not ruling any possible future relationships with him out, but I may not have any choice in the matter anyway.

Sucks, doesn't it? 5 years with someone, and then it's over. That's just not fun times. "

Why yes, it does suck.

December 9th, 2002

"He really has given up on this relationship. He's all set to go conquer the world and Las Vegas and he's going to leave me behind. When I first met him, he lived in a trailer. He drove a 10 year old car. He was fucking damn near 500 fucking pounds. And now that he has a nice house, a nice truck, and he's lost 200 pounds, he's gonna go get him something better. Someone who hasn't stood by him through every one of his moves in the past 5 years. Suddenly, he's too good for me. Not that I'm bitter.

It's just not right.

If he would ask me to come over like, right now.. I would defy every possible law to get there. Even though I really should stay here and get some stuff done before I do that, I wouldn't put it past me to just hurdle myself down the stairs into my car. Sad. And shitty."

And now that concludes the My Michele portion of the evening. I kinda feel bad about how long this is turning out to be, but oh well. That's what I'm all about! Muahahaha.

Here we go with AustinLiz. Hey, that's me!

January 9th, 2003

"Second, I just really miss Matt today. I want to say fuck it and just talk to him, but I have to exercise a little self control here. I don't like not talking to him, but talking to him is just not conducive to what I'm trying to accomplish here. I've known that he has a girlfriend for like 2 weeks, and it hasn't gotten any easier. I keep thinking about the qualities she has and the qualities I have and who has the better qualities. That's just not right.

Also, I feel like I should be looking for a job at this exact moment, but I'm not. The whole job thing is very disheartening. I majored in journalism, and I think I made the wrong choice in doing so. I am not qualified to do anything else and there's just not that much out there for journalism people right now. *sigh* It sucks. I just want to publish my yet unwritten novel and make a million dollars. Is that so wrong? It's only 1:43 and I have no idea what else I'm going to do today. My life is pathetic. Extremely, totally, completely pathetic."

February 9th, 2003

"I hate that he has a girlfriend, as you might have noticed. It shakes me to my inner core, it makes me question everything that I've ever done, everything I believe in. And when I do think about talking to him, I just think to myself "He has a girlfriend. He has a fucking girlfriend." And then I get over it. "

True that.

This next one makes me cringe. I just remember him saying no to my sexual suggestions and me feeling like absolute and total shit. I fel like.. if he won't even come here for sexual purposes, then.. what?

March 9th, 2003

"1. I am SO HORNY. So VERY VERY HORNY. So horny that I wrote Matt this email that basically said "Free sex for you!" I know it's pathetic, but maybe he'll get a kick out of it or something. And if he doesn't, at least I'll know that he doesn't want to get any. Me hanging on a limb like this really sucks. SUCKS, I TELL YOU!"

April 9th, 2003

"It's just all bullshit. He was giving me so much bullshit last night, and it was really frustrating. But I don't have to deal with it. I HAVE to focus on getting a job and getting over this depression that I seem to have. I was in depression denial for a while, but it's pretty much out there right in front of me: Loss of appetite, uncontrollable crying, feelings of guilt, isolation, all of this stuff. I even tried to put sheets over my windows last night so I wouldn't have to wake up to the sun. That didn't really work, though.

I dunno. I can't keep holding on to the illusion, the fantasy, that he wants me back. Because he just doesn't. He won't say "No! Get over me! I don't want you!" And that's annoying. But I mean, that's what he's basically saying anyway, right?"

May 9th, 2003

"Time is just going by so fast, like scarily fast. It seemed so recent that I came home from Matt's house the first time in months, knowing for sure that he had a girlfriend, knowing for sure that it was really over now, there wasn't any hope. I remember coming home from his house that day, absolutely devastated, absolutely heartbroken, absolutely dead inside.

I know I've evolved from the person I was in December, but sometimes I still feel dead inside. Sometimes I still feel heartbroken. He was my best friend, and now it's like he's in pain when he talks to me. It's like there's 1000 other things he'd rather be doing. It's so annoying. Just once I'd like his complete attention, just once I'd like to know that he still cares.

But I guess that's just asking too much, and I guess I should just get over it. This is my life now. I'm Elizabeth, the girl with a few friends, a caring brother, a busy ex-boyfriend, no job, and a lot of hope. That is what I am, and that's what I will continue to be."

And that's it. That's almost 2 years of my life, summed up. I don't know if this proves anything, if it proved that I've changed at all, but I feel like I have. 2 years ago I was a clueless 21 year old in love with her boyfriend who just got finished almost dumping her for the person he's with now. We worked it out back then, but some old habits die hard. Sometimes you just gotta find the person you've been dreaming about and try to make it work. I understand that, but it doesn't make it any less heartbreaking.

Anyway, that is all for tonight. It took me an hour to write all this crap. Woot!